Albino Farm


by Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

Ah, farming. Rising before the crack of a summer dawn so as not to waste a precious moment of daylight. Toiling all day in the burning heat, earning manly calloused hands and sun-scorched skin, the badges of honor earned by a life of honest hard work.

It's an albino's dream!

Oh, don't worry. For better or worse, there's no farm here nor farming. Not even that many albinos.

Here's what there is: a group of smart-ass city-slicker college kids head for adventure out in the Ozarks, where they encounter inbred mutant rednecks.

How do writers come up with ideas that fresh, that original? I guess we ordinary mortals can't understand how true geniuses get their flashes of creative brilliance. 'Tis a mystery.

I started out being unexpectedly impressed with this film. The opening credits sequence is a good "hook." Two little kids ride their bikes through the eerily deserted streets of a small rural town. The amber tint of the scene gives everything a warm glow, as if we were about to watch one of those chick-flicks about finding love in the Tuscan countryside. Then something seems wrong. The amber filter gives the sky an unearthly color, and the earthly warmth seems to transmute into surreal, alien menace. The two boys stop by a rusted-out old gate which obviously marks forbidden territory. The older of the two boys is all manly bravado. He squeezes through the gate and rudely taunts his companion for being afraid to follow. "You're a pussy. I'm not afraid of anything."

If you watch a lot of horror movies, you will know that whenever anyone says, "I'm not afraid," it is a foreshadowing of their doom, which often arrives immediately, as it does here. Both boys appear to be devoured and or dismembered by horrible forces which move so quickly that we barely glimpse them and do not fully understand what they might be or precisely what they have done to the boys.

(Perhaps the albino farmers are upset by the kids having delayed their harvest?)

Then the film actually begins. We have been lured in by a teaser which told us enough to get us curious and involved, but not too much to spoil the mystery.

If the rest of the film had been as good as that opening sequence, it could have been quite a nifty little genre masterpiece. Unfortunately, the rest of the film is just a typical bit of "college kids vs mutant hayseeds" torture porn. The film's forward movement touches every single familiar point in the roadmap of that sub-genre, and does so with some sub-standard performances.

Move along, lads, nothing to see here.

Awaiting DVD info





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n/a IMDB summary (of 10)
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No theatrical release.



There is a bit of nudity. As mandated by the genre conventions and standards, there must be nudity from both the wiseacre city-slickers and the inbred cannibal hillbillies. Alicia Lagano provides the human nudity, and Bianca Barnett flashes some mutant tit-tays. (Her breasts look unmutated, but the rest of her appearance is intentionally as unappealing as possible, because that's what makes the scene work properly.)



Our Grade:

If you are not familiar with our grading system, you need to read the explanation, because the grading is not linear. For example, by our definition, a C is solid and a C+ is a VERY good movie. There are very few Bs and As. Based on our descriptive system, this film is a:


The director is not entirely without talent, but the film is "same old same old."