American Virgin


by Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

A hot chick, as a member of a professional virgin society, resolves to stay pure until she's married. Her resolve is weakened by a lusty roommate and the presence of the "Girls Gone Wild" cameras, disguised here as "Chicks Go Crazy."

The virgin doesn't get laid, but she does get photographed dancing topless after a drinking binge, so she decides that she has to travel across the country in order to catch up with the Chicks Go Crazy van so that she can beg for the naughty footage to be destroyed. As it turns out, she never did get topless in the first place. She was so drunk that she didn't remember the incident, and the topless chick in the video was wearing an animal head, so it might have been anyone.


Typical straight-to-vid youthploitation flick. The lead characters are two-dimensional and the antagonists come up at least a dimension short of that. Rob Schneider plays a fictional version of that "Girls Go Wild" guy, and manages to turn him into an even bigger ass than he actually is. And that's no small achievement.

Needless to say, the head honchos of the professional virgin society turn out to be lust-crazed hypocrites. The fact teaches us an important lesson: students should do more fucking.  Say ... the script was written by "Jeff Seeman." Could that be his real name? If so, he was born to write this movie, which is practically a love-poem to semen.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

In short, the film is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, and a shameful demonstration of what can happen to humans when we succumb to the darkest angels of our nature. Dick Cheney would think it too cruel to show this film to a terrorist, or even to threaten to show it, even if doing so could extract crucial intelligence which would save the lives of many Republicans.

Which makes it slightly above average for a Rob Schneider film.

OK, I have to admit that I actually kinda like Rob in some movies, and ... well ... this movie really isn't as awful as I have claimed. It is, however, a total waste of your time, so there's no reason to seek it out.


* widescreen anamorphic








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The principals in the film never get naked, but there are a lot of random topless females.


Our Grade:

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