Barbarian Queen (1985) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski) and Tuna

Here's some advice to you aspiring young brigands and evil viziers. I have noticed that the plans of most evil guys in sword and sorcery pictures are foiled by the most foolish of unrelated incidents.
While Evil Guy is eventually defeated by Beastmaster or Deathstalker or Conan or Barbarian Queen, the fact of the matter is that the hero in question never would have opposed the evil guys in the first place if they hadn't burned down his/her village. 

I mean, they just get into that whole cycle of who hurt whom, and who killed whose grandfather, and who plucked out whose eyes. He burns down their village. They swear to get revenge and free the captives. While they are attempting that revenge, they defeat the Evil Guy, thus foiling his nearly complete plan to reunite the three pieces of the Holy Cow, and obtain the Full Rizzutto.

NUDITY REPORT
About 20 extras parade into a room naked or topless. Several of them provide full-frontal glimpses. There is additional full-frontal exposure in another scene as well.

Barbarian Queen and her warriors all appear topless at one time or another - that's Lana Clarkson, Katt Shea, Dawn Dunlap and others
So here's my tip for you evil youngsters. If you really want the Full Rizzutto, keep your mind on your work, and don't be distracted by the urge to burn down a village, however tempting it may look. If you just have to burn villages, because you're a pyromaniac or something, be careful not to burn one that plays home to a powerful potential enemy. Here's a good guideline - if you ride into the village, and there's nothing but stooped peasants in tattered rags, burn away. But if you see a musclebound guy carrying a gigantic sword and wearing nothing but a loincloth and a horned helmet, just keep riding. Perhaps pay a little modest tribute to the village elders, worship some of the local snake gods respectfully, kiss a few babies to lock in the local votes for Evil Guy of the Year, and move on to the next village, where you may burn and pillage to your heart's content.

Barbarian Queen is to Deathstalker as Red Sonja is to Conan, as Xena is to Hercules. In other words, it's just a product extension of the Deathstalker series, except with a female protagonist. Lana Clarkson appeared in pretty much the same costume in the first Deathstalker, if I remember right. I think there are four Deathstalkers and two Barbarian Queens, and none of them are much fun except for gratuitous nudity. Deathstalker 2 is the only one that could fly on its own without the bosoms, and that is because it's a silly genre parody, written and directed by Jim Wynorski.  The other five take themselves too seriously, and are all written by the same guy.

DVD info from Amazon.

  • no widescreen 

  • no meaningful features

This is not an especially good one in the series, but it may have the most nudity, including several full-frontals, so that's something. 

This film doesn't take place in the official undefined sword-and-sorcery time, and it doesn't include any magic. It's actually about an uprising of the oppressed peoples against Roman rule. The female characters are all brave and empowered, the male characters all craven wretches interested only in rape. The women get revenge for the rapin' by killing all the rapists and leading a successful revolt against the Romans in one of their major outposts. 

Ultra-lame. 

Tuna's Thoughts
Barbarian Queen (1985) is a barbarian gladiator film with the same setup as a sword and sorcery picture. The bad guys rape and pillage, killing or capturing nearly everyone in a village except three women. The three women vow to get revenge and rescue the ones who were captured. The film is mostly battles, which are all choreographed pretty much the same. Women match men blow for blow with swords, then kick them in the nuts and finish them off. When they get overtired, two of the enemy hold them up so they can kick a few more nuts.

Yes, it is every bit as bad as it sounds. The good news is nudity. The three lead women, Lana Clarkson, Katt Shea and Dawn Dunlap all show their breasts, and dozens of unidentifiable women show everything from clear see-throughs up to and including full frontal. If you elect to watch this for the nudity, I suggest turning the sound off, thus sparing yourself the inane dialogue. Oh, and the ending is fitting. One of the women has become the favorite of the evil ruler, and is always at his side. After a final battle has gone on endlessly, she stabs him, which ends the battle. Of course, she could have done that three days before, but then we wouldn't have had the endless kicks to the testicles to enjoy. This is a C- at best.

The Critics Vote

  • no major reviews

The People Vote ...

  • With their votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters score it 3.8 
IMDb guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence, about like three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, about like two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, about like two stars from the critics. Films under five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film, equivalent to about one and a half stars from the critics or less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this film is a C as a titty film. It delivers on breasts and pubes. The movie itself is lame. Considered as a period drama, it is barely an E. Although it looks like a Deathstalker movie, it can't be considered as a sword-and-sorcery film, because there is no magic. (Tuna: C-)

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