The Beast of Bray Road (2005) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

The Beast of Bray Road (2005) is a bargain bin video from a group called The Asylum, which seems to churn out a cheapie every three weeks or so. I'm not exaggerating. So far in 2005, 39 weeks into the year as I write this, they have thirteen releases listed at IMDb, including one I have reviewed, Legion of the Dead. To refresh your memory, that's the one where the characters were not surprised to find an ancient Egyptian burial site in California because it is well known that the ancient Egyptians had mastered "trans-Atlantic" travel in 2700 B.C., as evidenced by Incan culture(!!).  One of the characters was a grad student who spoke to the California Eqyptian in a language which had been dead for 4000 years.

And they say the educational system is failing us!

It's difficult to distinguish between the people who make dumb movies and those who make fun of dumb movies, so I'm not sure if these people are complete idiots or masters of satire. Maybe a bit of both. One thing is certain, they don't take themselves seriously, and that is very refreshing. In my review of Legion of the Dead, I called it, "a generally foolish film that I probably enjoyed way more than I should have."

The Beast of Bray Road, filmed entirely in Wisconsin, consists of dialogue like this:

Sheriff: What did you see, ma'am?

Woman: I don't know. Some kind of monster.

Deputy: That sounds like the Beast of Bray Road. You don't know about this because you're new, Sheriff, but back in the 19th century ...

You'll notice that the woman didn't say "a one-armed 13 foot tall monster with green eyes and 8-inch teeth and a hunchback," in which case the deputy might actually have had some reason to recall a specific image from a book. She simply said it was something she couldn't identify - which the deputy knew must obviously be an obscure 19th century monster. You'll also notice that the deputy didn't say "gosh, that could be a bear, or a mangy wolf, or Robin Williams, or Farmer Bob gettin' drunk again, or ...." Instead he was immediately convinced that he could pinpoint the "I don't know ... some kind of monster" identification as a specific entity which hadn't been seen for a century.

As it turns out, the Wisconsin state charter requires every small town to maintain a resident cryptozoologist, and this town's werewolf doctor was able to help the sheriff establish that the creature was not merely a full-time beast, but a human who sometimes transforms into a beast. The sheriff must then calculate the identity of the human who is triggered into beastly transformation. So which human turns out to be the beast? Well, the sheriff is new in town, and the re-appearance of the beast coincides with his arrival, so it could be that he is hunting himself, ala Memento  ...

 ... nah, that would be too logical, and is far too interesting an idea ...

I have to admit, though, that I was ultimately entertained when the director revealed the human alter ego of the beast, and I got a few laughs out of the sheer overripe cheesiness of the gore - the beast rips limbs from and disembowels its victims on camera, in fairly graphic detail.

The DVD has a commentary track, although I should say a "babble track", because the alleged commentary consists of a bunch of guys who seem very drunk, all trying to out-shout one another to be heard. Occasionally they all break up into laughter at some inside joke. Their comments consisted of insightful stuff like "Whoo! Whoo! It's the (topless) scene!", "Why couldn't you get Sarah Lieving to remove her top?","I don't remember this scene!", "Huh? I thought this character was gay!", and "My original line here was 'honey, this dick ain't gonna suck itself!'"

At any rate, I guess these friends have found an economic model that enables them to make a profit from getting drunk, persuading actresses to remove their bras, and having fun together while they churn out some haphazard straight-to-video nonsense. God bless 'em. If I could do the same thing, I would. We have enough lawyers and politicians and marketing analysts in the world, but we can always use some more rowdy, fun-loving slackers. Sure, their films are basically just extended fraternity parties, but that's OK by me. The Beast of Bray Road contains some bad acting from some of the minor characters, but the principals are solid. The competent photography makes it look like a real film in a widescreen anamorphic transfer. Plus it makes me smile, and it contains some sexy bare breasts as well.



  • full-length group commentary
  • "making of" featurette
  • widescreen, anamorphically enhanced (16x9)
  • outtakes


Maija Polsey shows her excellent breasts in a long strip in good light.

Noel Thurman shows her breasts briefly.

The Critics Vote ...

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The People Vote ...

The meaning of the IMDb score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics, or a C- from our system. Films rated below five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one and a half stars from the critics or a D on our scale. (Possibly even less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. (C+ means it has no crossover appeal, but will be considered excellent by genre fans, while C- indicates that it we found it to be a poor movie although genre addicts find it watchable). D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well. Any film rated C- or better is recommended for fans of that type of film. Any film rated B- or better is recommended for just about anyone. We don't score films below C- that often, because we like movies and we think that most of them have at least a solid niche audience. Now that you know that, you should have serious reservations about any movie below C-.

Based on this description, it's a C-, brainless, but kinda fun in a B movie sort of way.

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