Beautiful Joe (2000) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)
I can't remember why I watched this. Big mistake.

Ultra-sappy romantic comedy. Awful script, that even A-list players couldn't save. How the hell did they get Ian Holm, Sharon Stone, Gil Bellows and Billy Connolly to appear in dreck like this?
Joe (Connolly) is a likeable Irish immigrant who finds that he has a brain tumor, and decides to take a couple of weeks to sort out his plan of action. Along the way, he is conned out of some money by Sharon Stone, who plays a gambling-addicted small time con artist who is in serious trouble with the bookies and loan sharks.

NUDITY REPORT
zip. Sharon Stone did undress behind a translucent room divider.
Well, when Stone lifts Joe's wallet to pay back "George the Geek" (Ian Holm), Joe just walks into the loan shark's office and asks him, as a man of honor, to give the wallet back. George does so, and we find out it is because he fears that Joe, because he is an eccentric Irishman from the Bronx with massive cojones, must be the famous "Beautiful Joe", the contract killer for the Irish mob.

Joe heads back to Stone's messy place and cleans it up. Then he cooks everyone breakfast, gets her mute son to talk (I'm not kidding), shows her the true meaning of love without even watching The English Patient, cures his own brain tumor, raises Lazarus from the dead, pays off the national debt, gives Stone the most multiple orgasms in the history of womanhood, and devises a solution for the world's overpopulation problem.

Unfortunately that isn't enough, because when the REAL Beautiful Joe finds out he's being impersonated, he needs to ice the impersonator. You know, it's just a manly contract killer thing. So eventually the two Joe's meet, and guess what? Beautiful Joe is Our Joe's best friend from the Bronx, and it turns out that the head mob guy for the entire world is Our Joe's beloved ex father-in-law, all of their mob activities unsuspected by the honest Joe.

Oh, yeah, and it turns out that Our Joe's real dad is not that Joseph guy from the manger, but is our Father who art in Heaven, and this time he's lookin' out for his little scrapper. OK, I made up the God part, but the rest is really what happens in the movie.

no DVD currently available
Very well performed by Stone and Connolly, who are both terrific in comedies, amd who are both good enough actors to carry the heavier emotional moments as well. The rest of the performers are generally good as well, but they just had complete horse manure for a script.

The Critics Vote

  • no reviews online

The People Vote ...

  • With their votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters score it 4.5.
  • No theatrical release in the USA. Was shown in France, according to IMDb.
IMDb guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence, about like three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, about like two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, about like two stars from the critics. Films under five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film, equivalent to about one and a half stars from the critics or less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this film is a D+. I like a good romantic comedy, even a corny and improbable one, but this one is shite. The performances are excellent for this type of material, but no performers could have rescued the script.

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