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It's amazing that there is a clinic
in upstate New York that keeps Satan's DNA around, but that's not as
amazing as some of the other things in this film.
At one point, Rollergirl's husband
comes home, finds her missing, and reports her absence to the
police. Although it is late at night, the two detectives assigned to
a related murder case (the woman who was the previous host of
Satan's DNA) show up a few minutes later. The husband hops into
the police car and they speed off with the light flashing. Then
they hear a report on the police radio about a fire in a seedy hotel
(it is the place where Rollergirl had been taken after being
kidnapped), so they make an instant u-turn and go to answer that
call.
Now some of what I told you is
already pretty silly. Are those two cops on duty 24/7? But those
things happen in many movies. There are
two things in this sequence, however, that completely stumped me:
1. How did they know that fire had
anything to do with Rollergirl?
2. More important - where the hell
were they going at full speed before they heard that report?
That was some mystifying plotting,
but it was nowhere near as confusing as the birth of Heather's
twins. (Twin Satans?) Just before the birth, we see Heather's
stomach being ripped from inside by claws or something. Then when
the babies emerge, we see the doctor and the husband exchange
horrified looks. Surely something monstrous has happened, but we
don't see the babies.
That would have been a good place to
end the movie ...
... especially since the next scene
fast-forwards four years to the birthday party for the twins - two
adorable and normal looking girls, with their healthy mommy
Rollergirl looking on proudly!
So what did the husband and the
doctor see that was so frightening? I have no freakin' idea.
I am also a bit confused by the
casting. Oh, sure I enjoy the idea of Heather Graham carrying
Satan's twin spawn. That's an idea that really can't miss. I also
give a tip of the cap to
Satan for a significant improvement in taste since Rosemary's Baby.
But why Rollergirl specifically? I mean, if they wanted to cast the role of a
beautiful woman who will give birth to the children of a monstrous sub-human
entity, shouldn't they have hired Uma Thurman?
Hey, Ethan, I'm just kidding.
Kinda.
Anyway, the final piece of the puzzle
is Gollum. Are you wondering how he fits in? He plays an Italian priest
with a Chico Marx accent who knows all about the Satanic baby
racket, and must stop the schemers from actually producing any of Satan's foul
offspring. Father Gollum is actually the one who keeps murdering the pregnant
would-be mothers of the Satanic kiddies. Of course, he doesn't kill
them immediately. First he meets with them and offers them a chance
to eat the secret magic ice cream (heavenly hash?) which will kill their
babies. I'm not sure how the Catholic Church reconciles this
procedure with
their anti-abortion stance. I guess there must be an exception
allowing you to have an abortion if you are carrying Satan's child.
Anyway, this guy must have the
world's hardest sales job. How do you expect a spooky Italian priest
to convince suburban housewives to voluntarily abort their children?
Especially since he is a Catholic priest and everyone knows the
Church opposes abortion? Now remember, the women do not know
they have been inseminated by Satan. Tough sell! The only way to do
it, to course, is for Father Gollum to convince them they are
carrying Satan's kids, and the only way he could possibly accomplish
that is to gain their complete trust.
So what's his marketing strategy?
Fun street foods!
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