Bless the Child (2000) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

Well, it's Christmas in movieland, and the star of Bethlehem has finally re-appeared after all these years. And you know what that means, don't you, kids? It's the Antichrist, yet again. Kim Basinger's sister had a baby when the star appeared, but she's a junkie, and she has no idea who the father is - some guy with funny feet and a tail and some really high grade smack - so she dumps the baby at Kim's house.

Danger, Will Robinson.

But ol' Kim is not suspicious, even though a child is born to a junkie and an unknown father, and the moment of her birth caused the star of Bethlehem to reappear. Nope, nothin' unusual there.

It turns out in this reworked mythology that Anti has great powers, but may use them for good or evil. Also, Anti is a little girl. Somehow, the Antichrist playing with Malibu Barbie doesn't strike the same fear into mankind as the whole horns and pitchfork motif that he used to use. In fact, most people just make Anti sit in the corner when she's done something naughty like causing Italy to be consumed by fire.

"Now, Antichrist, how many times have I told you to pick up all the slime and poop after you send one of those frog rains? I've had just about enough of your little Satanic pranks, young lady."

Of course, the appearance of the Antichrist is a great relief to Uma Thurman, unless there can be two. But I think it works like Highlander, and there can be only one, so all that Gregorian chant that follows Ethan Hawke around must be something else.

Well, this Antichrist has some amazing powers, let me tell you. For example, you know those things that are full of water and say "Welcome to Cleveland" and when you shake them it looks like a snowstorm? Well, Anti can make the snow swirl around without shaking them! And she can get James Bond to drink his martini stirred.



DVD info from Amazon.

  • Widescreen anamorphic, 2.35:1

  • Director and F/X supervisor do full-length commentary

  • variouis cast and crew interviews

They finally defeat Satan when the Archangel Gabriel and FBI agent Jimmy Smits team up with that perfect combination of ectoplasm and bullets. In fact, they were so good together that ABC is going to create a series for the horn-blowing Seraphim and the tough Latin cop, tentatively titled "Jesus and Jesus", except the frst one will be pronounced JEEZ-iss and the second one hay-ZEUS

The Blockbuster Awards nominated this for two. Kim Basinger for best actress married to a guy who will soon leave the country, and Christina Ricci's bra for best supporting performance. I may have changed the wording of those awards a hair, but they really exist.

The Critics Vote

  • General consensus: one and a half stars. Berardinelli 1/4, Apollo 68. I don't think Roger Ebert reviewed it.

  • Rotten Tomatoes summary. Worst reviews of the year, worse even than Battlefield Earth. 6% positive overall, and a perfect 0% from the top critics.

The People Vote ...

  • With their votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters score it 4.9, Apollo users 67/100.
  • With their dollars ... it wasn't a smash hit, but did better than the critics thought it deserved. Made for $40 million, it took in $29 million domestic box. Of course, the studio hoped it would do better with that budget and a 2500 screen distribution.
IMDb guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence, about like three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, about like two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, about like two stars from the critics. Films under five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film, equivalent to about one and a half stars from the critics or less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this film is a D.

Return to the Movie House home page