Blood Surf (2000) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

Hey, this sounds good. Surfers who surf through shark-infested waters. Has some potential. 

Oh, it's not about that. That stopped 10 minutes into the movie.

Well, this isn't bad. Three chicks on an island, and they run into pirates who intend to rape them. Could be a good exploitation thing.

Nah, it isn't about that either.

You see, the pirates and the sharks both get eaten by a bigger predator. It's a giant crocodile movie. A saltwater crocodile, to be more specific.

OK, it's kind of a dumb movie, I admit it. What would you expect from a movie about giant saltwater crocodiles, or salties, as the Aussie captain calls them, with that genuine affection that Aussies are known to have for murderous creatures. They call Manson "Chucko" there. Of course, salties are scarier than sharks because you can escape sharks by getting to land, whereas the salties are amphibious. The plot was more or less a straight knock-off of Jaws, including a grade-z impersonation or parody of Robert Shaw by the aforementioned crusty old sea captain. You see he once ran a tourist boat called the Indianapolis, and he once saw all of his tourists eaten by the salties. Or maybe he saw them eating saltines. He's kinda insane, so he's not sure. No, it was the saltie thing. There's another flashback to prove it.

Yes, it is silly. The acting is weak, and the plot managed to add in some pirates on an island that nobody knew how to find, or how to land on. The seafarin' Robert Shaw guy and the a native guy couldn't land their boat on the island in daylight because of the surrounding reef, but the pirates had their boat safely moored there and were planning to sail off at night!

The heroes even managed to catch one of the pirates in his own booby trap, simply by saying, "well, if you want to rape me, mister big strong pirate, come over here. No, not that way, a couple inches to the left"

Too silly. 


Maureen Larrazabal did a long daylight sex scene, in which her breasts and buns were seen.

Tanya Reif was topless in two scenes: one in daylight, while sunbathing, the other in a nighttime sex scene. This girl needs a meal or two.

 But it actually had some interesting moments.
  • There is some really cool surfing footage. The title "blood surf" refers to one of those extreme sports, where the surfers go into shark infested waters, throw in plenty of chum to attract the sharks, cut their own bodies to produce a trail of blood, then surf in to shore. There are some great shots of them surfing among the fins, and there are some tremendous underwater shots, where the camera is far underwater, shooting up to a shark, which is a few feet under the surface and right beneath a surfboard.
  • If you've wondered what happened to Kate Fischer since "Sirens", here's your chance to see her, seven years later. If you remember, she was the third siren, the full-figured one who was neither Portia nor Elle. She looks much better now. I guess she has lost 40-50 pounds since Sirens, but her chest is still enormous, so she looks really impressive in those tight clothes. Regrettably, she didn't do a nude scene.
  • Some of the cartoon characterization is pretty entertaining. The dumb surfer provides some cheap laughs. The American movie director provides some crass humor when he tries to bribe everyone in the cast with greenbacks. I think he even offered a few bucks to the croc. "I could make it worth your while not to eat me". The demented Robert Shaw impersonation is so off-the-wall that it almost works.
  • The crocs are fairly scary.
  • The bonus footage is interesting. You can see the actual size of the 30 foot croc (about three feet), and how they filmed the special effects.
I have mixed feelings about this movie. It isn't good at all. The problem was that they had too much premise. Jeez, the blood surfing alone would have made a great movie, but they dropped that almost immediately, and made it a giant creature movie. Then a love story. Then they dropped that for a while and made it a pirate thing. Then back to giant creatures.  All the while adding explosions everywhere. Does a movie with a giant crocodile actually need sharks and pirates as well?

IMDb voters like it slightly less than getting dog doo-doo on their new Italian shoes, and they score it 3.3 - in the Ed Wood/John Derek range.

But I found myself strangely fascinated by the film. I think it would be great for MST 3000, and I really liked the bonus footage. I could have watched 30 minutes less of the movie, and 30 minutes more of the bonus footage. 

The director is the same guy who did that evil gardener movie with Malcolm McDowell and Angie Everhart. Neither of those is a good movie, to say the least, but the guy has some imagination. 

Tuna's comments in yellow:

Blood Surf (2000), AKA Krocodylus is a Jaws type monster-as-villain film, starring a salt water crocodile affectionately called Salty. Scoopy enjoyed the film, even though he won't admit it to himself, and pointed out that it was a terrible horror/thriller. If that were the genre, I would agree with his D rating. However, I think I can prove that the genre is wrong.

1) They have three major female roles: Taryn Reif, tiny breasts, willing to show them briefly; Maureen Larrazabal, medium breasts, loves being naked; Kate Fischer, large ripe breasts, keeps her clothes on (although she has ok pokies late in the film). So they kill off Larrazabal first, then Reif. The compulsive clothes wearer is the only female survivor.

2) Every performance is way over the top. That kind of consistency is not an accident.

3) The more outrageous of the two surfers even cuts his feet to help attract sharks. He is in it for the adrenalin rush. He is on his board and splashing, and his buddy tells him that is a bad idea. A 12 ton shark immediately swims between their two surfboards, and Mr. Macho assumes the fetal position and starts blubbering. The shark manages not to even shake the two boards.

DVD info from Amazon.

  • Widescreen anamorphic, 1.85:1

  • about six minutes of bonus footage, showing how the special effects were done

  • storyboards on screen with the film, using the "alternate angles" menu

4) Salty is supposedly an omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, territorial and vindictive beast with an insatiable appetite and a long memory. That is obviously a crock.

5) Then, near the end, they reveal the true genre. Two women escape across a small stream, then flash their tits at Salty to taunt him, then they decide to stop because "nobody likes a crock tease." I submit that nobody is evil enough to put a pun that bad in a thriller. The genre is obviously comedy.

The photography is lovely, as are the locations, the surfing is top notch and the DVD transfer is excellent. 

As a comedy, and a subtle spoof of Jaws, I give this a C+.

The Critics Vote

  • no reviews online

The People Vote ...

  • With their votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters score it 3.0 
IMDb guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence, about like three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, about like two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, about like two stars from the critics. Films under five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film, equivalent to about one and a half stars from the critics or less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this film is a D , but is entertaining in a silly way. With cartoon characters and bad acting, it is the type of film that can be fun to laugh at if you are in the right mood.  Tuna also enjoyed it, but felt the humor was intentional enough that it succeeded as a comedy, and graded it C+. I assumed it was a made with tongue-deep in cheek, but I think they filmmakers though you would laugh with them, not at them. I should warn you that it is the type of movie that might seem better to those who burn one in advance. But you don't have to. Hell, I enjoyed the six minutes of special features enough to recommend renting the DVD on that basis alone.

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