Boat Trip (2003) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski) and Tuna

It is easy to say that a movie sucks, but that doesn't accurately convey the proper depth of suckiosity. One may say, for example, that Britney Spears sucks as a singer, and that Bill Shatner sucks as a singer, but those statements fail to convey the fact that Shatner sucks a whole lot deeper. Britney merely sucks compared to Aretha Franklin. Shatner's singing sucks compared to the whale in Free Willy. Shatner even goes beyond our meager human ability to imagine degrees of suckitude. If we did not know of Shatner's existence, and an author described Shatner's singing in a work of fiction, we would not believe or even understand the creation. It is only Shat's very existence which enables us to envision the specific degree of cosmic suckiosity he achieves. Indeed, even the cosmos must stand back in awe, since he comes close to the sucking power of a black hole ...

... or even of Yoko Ono.

This brings us to Boat Trip. It is simply not enough to say how bad it sucks, since you will not be able to imagine it. It is beyond the very conceptualizing power of even the greatest human minds, or our greatest super-computers. In a hypothetical world in which everything really sucks, the denizens of that unholy world would still notice how thoroughly this film sucks. In a world in which Carol Channing could star in Madame Butterfly without attracting any notice, people would still comment that Boat Trip sucks. In an entire world colonized by the descendants of Carrot Top, the residents would still find the comic acting in Boat Trip to be exaggerated and amateurish. In a world where Richard Nixon was the most respected ethics professor, people would still find Boat Trip lacking in credibility.

Looking at it from the other direction, on a planet populated entirely by the stars of Boat Trip, they would consider Jason Lee a comedy genius on a par with Chaplin, and they would honor Road House as one of Shakespeare's lost works.

The concept of Boat Trip: two straight guys piss off a travel agent and end up on an all-gay cruise. What more is there to say?

I remember reading that gay groups found this film offensive and demeaning. They were certainly right, although in the film's defense one must note that it is offensive and demeaning to everyone. It's just that gay characters, and characters pretending to be gay, have the most screen time.

One sad note: some seven to ten years ago, it seemed that Cuba Gooding was the most promising new star in Hollywood. He had an Oscar. He was hosting SNL. The guy seemed to be able to act, do comedy, dance, you name it.  He seemed like a good guy as well.

His last two movies: Boat Trip and Snow Dogs.

What went wrong for the Cubatollah?

The film's only bright spot - the presence of former soap opera star Roselyn Sanchez. She is talented and  drop dead gorgeous - like a really earthy, sexy Latin version of Sandra Bullock - and she wears some see-through blouses without bras, and gives a very impressive BJ to a banana!

Box Office mojo says the production budget was $20 million, and I suppose the studio must have thrown several million at the marketing as well. This was probably the worst use of money since Time Warner merged with AOL. Greenlighting this movie was possibly the worst single decision since Napoleon's invasion of Russia. It was possibly the worst reviewed film of the year. RT shows 6% positive reviews. To put that in perspective, Gigli got 7%.

One short, fat, supposedly fun guy takes his slick but recently dumped buddy on a cruise. When they piss off the travel agent, they find themselves on a ship completely full of gay stereotypes. Cuba Gooding Jr. meets Roselyn Sanchez, and Horatio Sanz meets the Swedish tanning team, and both feel it would be to their benefit to be thought of as gay.

Boat Trip was trashed so thoroughly by Scoopy (Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)) when it was released that I passed on it for two years. As long-time readers know, Scoopy and I very often agree completely about a film, but once in a great while, we disagree strongly. This is not one of those times. If anything, I hated it more than he did.

In what was almost a brilliant DVD production move, they got five Heffers, three of them topless, and used them behind menus, and even had a tanning lesson. "Moisturize and depilitate first, then apply high SPF sunscreen 30 minutes before exposure to nasty UV rays, who especially like attacking hot blondes." The eye candy was wonderful, but they had these women chatting and giggling. What were they thinking? Everyone knows centerfolds should be obscene and not heard.