Boa vs Python (2004) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski) and Tuna

I am almost embarrassed to admit that we gave this two thumbs kinda up! We found it to be dumb, but also an entertaining guilty pleasure film, and not at all what we expected from the title. Mist surprisingly, neither of us touched the fast forward button during a giant creature film!!

Scoop's notes in white:

Because a smug rich playboy was seeking the ultimate big game hunting thrill, there is an 80 foot python on the loose in America.

The FBI rushes into action.

Since this is a movie, and a grade-B one at that, there are only three possible ways to combat a giant evil male snake.

1. Find a mad scientist who has raised a giant mongoose.

2. Find a mad scientist who has raised an even larger, GOOD female snake.

3. Two words: giant flute.

There were no giant snake-charming flutes available or, for that matter, any other practical oversized instruments. The FBI agent did briefly consider having some Swiss guys try to charm the snake with a giant Alpenhorn, but that plan fell through. Nor were there any giant mongooses available (or mongeese, as the case may be). Indeed, the critical mongoose shortage has almost emptied America's cinema snake armory, leaving our poor land nearly defenseless against giant movie snakes. In a situation like this, you hate to double the risk by setting two giant snakes free on the countryside, but sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Given the lack of choices, the "giant good snake defense" suddenly seemed an immensely attractive option. Luckily, there are always plenty of those. In fact, the FBI agent's most difficult decision was choosing only one of the many scientists listed in the Yellow Pages under "giant snakes". The agent ended up doing the same thing I did when I needed a locksmith - calling ACME, the first one in alphabetical order. Acme Scientific did happen to have a female tracking snake available, and the FBI serendipitously happened to employ someone who specialized in planting navigational and tracking systems in giant snakes, so the hunt for the evil snake was on.

Actually, two hunts were on. You see, the zillionaire playboy guy was still alive, and had not given up his personal dream of killing an 80 foot reptile. He also had a bunch of buddies who wanted a shot at the big evil snake. Those guys basically made G. Gordon Liddy seem like the sensible dad on Father Knows Best. One of them wanted to face the snake down with a crossbow, and another wanted to take the snake on with his bare hands. The playboy himself eventually went after the snake armed only with a flamethrower and a cigar. The cigar was his sense of style, you see. He's the kind of swaggering, cocky guy who, when mortally wounded, has to pick up the chewed-down stogie and stuff it back in his mouth so he can die lookin' macho. (Think Dirk Benedict in Battlestar Galactica). Then, just as one of the snakes was about to chow him down, he said "I hope you choke, bitch".

That last situation, which I didn't embellish in any way, should give you the idea that this film doesn't take itself seriously, which is just as well for a movie about giant good snakes and bad snakes. Some of the dialogue was deadpan funny, and a lot of it was played out for comic book laughs.

What do you need from your grade-B straight-to-vid films? This one has jokes and naked chicks, and giant creatures, so I guess it probably meets your minimum daily requirement of cheese. The only thing wrong with Python vs. Boa as a "guilty pleasure" film is that the special effects are just not good. The snakes don't look real either in isolation or compared to humans. Since the film was lacking any kick-ass effects, a lot of the exposition was done by characters looking at a computer screen, watching the tracking device which was implanted in the good snake, and commenting on the action seen from the snake's POV. "Oh, no, look, your soldiers are in trouble!" It's basically the reptilian version of David Letterman's "monkey cam".

Frankly, though, I'm just not sure we should set the CGI bar too high for a low-budget STV movie about giant snakes. It's just about as good as you'd expect from a movie called Boa vs Python. It's rated 2.8 at IMDb, but that isn't fair. Granted, it isn't very scary because of the weak CGI work, and it doesn't really click at the highest levels with humor and characterization (like Hellboy for example), but it does meet the basic requirements for genre nuts. I did manage to stay awake and I never fast forwarded, and at least two of the characters (the super-serious FBI agent and the incredibly rugged and macho playboy) made me laugh out loud!

Boa vs. Python (2004 TV) I suppose was inevitable, in the same way that Godzilla had to meet Mothra, King Kong had to meet Godzilla, etc. Rule one, when you base a movie on a battle between super monsters, you need to put a lot of effort into the special effects, or it comes off as just plain silly. Rule two, since this is science fiction, check your science, and either invent new devices and terms for them, or find out what current real devices actually do. Finally, you need to pit the monsters against each other in an interesting plot.

Unfortunately, they skipped all three steps in this film.

• The CGI-generated snakes are not at all good, and are shown for far too long in too much light.
• They have a GPS device that works underground in metal tunnels, and detects all life forms in the tunnels. Sorry folks, GPS doesn't do that. It must have line of sight access to three satellites, and it tells you where you are. With the addition of mapping software, it can locate you on a map.
• Rather than tell the story they advertised, Boa vs. Python, they tell the story of scientists vs. big game hunters vs. FBI, all in the Philadelphia water treatment tunnels.

However, there are a lot of good things about this film. Top of the list is full frontal and rear nudity from Angel Boris, as the girlfriend of a wealthy casino owner who organizes the big game hunters. There is also topless action near the end of the film from several painted dancers, and there are lots of girls in thongs around a Miami swimming pool. Most interesting to me was the detail in unimportant subplots, not related to the main story line. As an example, they locate scientist Jaime Bergman at a swimming pool in Miami, where she is engaged in a pecker contest (holding your breath under water) with a Navy UDT gorilla. She wins by flashing her tits at him underwater. Very clever scene (even though we don't see the breasts), and not germane to the plot. The film was full of such moments.

Despite the fatal flaws, I watched it beginning to end without a single click on fast forward. This leads me to an inevitable conclusion. Give director David Flores a real script and a budget, and I suspect he will turn out a very nice film!