The Breed (2001) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

We've had it wrong all along with these vampires. They are just another race that wants to live in peaceful co-existence. Their scientists have even invented synthetic human blood, so they have no need to drink ours. Just a couple years back, they decided to reveal their existence to the NSA, and ever since then, they've been co-operating with us?

Co-operating on what?

Well, you know all those bloodsucking vampires that we always hear about? Those are vampire criminals. They have rogues and outlaws like any other race. And, of course, the Vampire Cops want to bring the Vampire Criminals to justice. 

This particular story is about a human cop who teams up with a vampire cop to catch vampire criminals. Along the way he falls in love with a female vampire. 

Did I mention that these vampires can walk around in sunlight, and they can't be killed by a stake in the heart and - forget it. Who cares?

Does the set up sound a bit gimmicky to you? Well, that was pure Shakespeare compared to the plot, which was filled with so many complications and internecine vampire squabbles that I completely lost track of what the evil vampires where doing, which vampires really were evil, and which humans were assisting them. It was the kind of movie where the humans thought they were safe because they had developed a plague virus that killed vampires, but gave humans only a cold. Best of all, they though that the vamps didn't know about this. Until the vampire intelligence community duped it out and created the counter weapon. Oh, wait a minute, maybe the original serum didn't do what it was supposed to do because of a treacherous human, and maybe he was working for other vampire factions .....

Get the point? I hope so, because I don't want to talk about the plot any more, because the atmosphere was much sillier! The offices of the NSA were (apparently) guarded by members of the Red Army, who were stationed at attention about every five feet in the building. Inside the NSA, a soothing voice talked about the glories of a strong state, the sins of individualism, and the joy of informing on your neighbors.

Did I mention that the vampire cop and the human cop become buddies and find common ground? They both like powdered donuts with a red filling, for one thing. And then they start to hang out and pal around and exchange movie cop banter.

So there you have it. Oh, except for the wirework in the fight scenes. The vampires have some powerful leaping abilities and the ability to suspend themselves in air. There is one massive shootout that involves good humans in Russian army uniforms, bad humans in Prussian World War One uniforms, good vampires flying through the air like Keanu in The Matrix, and bad vampires flying through the air like the evil monkeys in Wizard of Oz

So it's kind of a Dracula meets To Kill a Mockingbird meets Butch Cassidy meets Crouching Tiger meets 1984 meets True Romance kind of thing, filmed in Budapest. I think you'd have to say that was maybe a bit contrived.

But why weren't there any dance numbers?

Is that what they call "high concept"? If so, I need some low concepts.

And some aspirin.