Breeders (1986) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski) and Tuna

• There's no tension
• The make-up, as such, is from the Halloween party store.
• There are no actual actors employed by this film. Where did they find these people? Do you remember back around third grade when everyone had to take turns reading, and some of the kids weren't too good, pronouncing words syllabically, and/or hesitating constantly? Well, those kids grew up and are in this film, and they had to read their lines off cue cards.
• The plot is high cheese. Aliens have to have sex with human virgins to propagate their species, or something.
• Talk about dialogue! Check out this conversation (which, trust me, is not meant to be funny) if you want to learn how to pick up chicks.

female doctor: I can't figure you out. You seem to be fascinated with this. (rape)

male detective: (attempting gravitas) You may be a good doctor, but you don't know everything. When I was seven, my older sister was raped, and I saw her turn from an happy teenager to a closed-up old woman in one day.

female doctor: Oh, OK.

male detective: (cheerful) Say, maybe when this is over, we could have dinner sometime.

On the other hand, if you watch T&A horror movies for the T&A, you'll be rewarded

• Frances Raines, niece of Claude Raines, of Casablanca fame, does some naked calisthenics. Actually, Claude is the brother of her stepfather, not her biological father, not that it really matters. After the calisthenics, she rises from her hospital bed in the control of some alien mind-meld thingy, and starts to mosey down a public corridor in the buff. She makes it outside, and starts hanging out in a weird ritual with other naked possessed chicks who were apparently all fishing for Smallmouth Bass. Thankfully, she didn't have to walk far to make it to the rituals ... apparently the aliens have "convenience rituals", one on every corner, instead of 7-Elevens. Good thing the ritual wasn't in Finland or someplace ... she'd have had a heck of a time getting there buck naked, and it would have turned out to be too cold for naked rituals, except in a sauna. Frances' career was somewhat less impressive than that of Uncle Claude. She did a few Tim Kincaid movies and "Ryder, P.I.", the cult comedy which marked Howard Stern's screen debut. (Ryder was to have been issued on DVD weeks ago, but has been postponed several times)
• LeeAnn Baker takes a shower. She gets kind of sticky during the rituals, probably either from Alien Sperm or Bass Gills. Most highly intelligent alien civilizations come to earth mainly for the top-notch bass fishing and the Jerry Springer show. Highly intelligent alien travel agents also market the fact that earth chicks do naked calisthenics and frequently shower on camera. Less well known is that the #1 favorite earth singer among highly intelligent alien civilizations is Slim Whitman, and earth is the only place where his records are easily available.
• Natalie O'Connell is a hospital patient who climbs out of bed
• Adrienne Lee undresses while talking to her mother on the phone. 
• Amy Brentano is the fifth woman in the bass fishing pool.

All four women are then seen walking stark naked through streets and hallways, then playing or bathing or bass-fishing naked in a pool of alien slime. All four women show T&A, but pubes are rarely seen, and when they are visible it is only fleetingly. Hey, it's a T&A movie, not a T&A&B movie. 

The director, Tim Kincaid, was also at the helm of that noted cinematic masterpiece, "Waldo Warren: Private Dick Without a Brain". Kincaid did several of these exploitation movies in the mid 80's, then disappeared.

Amazingly enough, the DVD of this trashy movie was issued by MGM, of all people, who did a good job mastering a widescreen anamorphic version of the film.

MGM? 

Tuna's comments in yellow:

Scoop characterized it as a terrible horror film, and a terrible piece of film making, but an excellent source of T & A. I agree with him about the T & A, but he gave the horror and general movie making way too much credit. Ok, we have a spore-borne alien entity coming to New York City to find hosts for breeding ... could happen, and Manhattan is probably the most likely spot. They need to rape virgins to start the process ... hey, if that's what they need, I can accept that. They live in a sub-basement under the Empire State building ... good choice, centrally located, and everyone knows how to get there. So, so far, we have a very believable story. 

Then the film goes seriously wrong. The aliens find at least 5 attractive virgins in their 20s in New York City. I will give a film maker a lot of leeway in suspension of disbelief, but 5 good looking virgins over 20 in Fun City?

Five women were nude, showing T & A, and one of them, Frances Raines, niece of Claude Raines, showed bush as well. Between Scoop and I, we have probably grabbed enough of the frames that there is no reason for you to sit through this.