Caveman (1998) from Johnny Web

The Caveman saga is a tale of two master thespians.



Former 6'8", 308 pound NFL star John Matuszak (the Tooz) was in several movies, but this is probably the only one where he was the best actor.

During his first professional avatar, the Wisconsin native was Houston's number one draft pick in the 1973 NFL draft, and had an excellent career as a defensive lineman for the Raiders, a man who intimidated opponents with his apparent (feigned?) mental instability. While still in the NFL, Matuszak migrated into movies, beginning with North Dallas Forty in 1979. Matuszak became a full time film and TV performer after his 1982 retirement from football, in fantasy films like Ice Pirates and Goonies, and on two TV series, Hollywood Beat and First and Ten. He even wrote an autobiography called "Cruisin' with the Tooz". Sadly, this unique performer died an AIDS-related death at the age of 38.

If the Beatles had gone with Best or Sutcliffe, where would likeable Ringo Starr be today? Stooped over, working in a Merseyside mill, coughing a lot. Was Ringo the luckiest guy ever to walk the face of the earth? With minimal musical talent, no acting talent (check out his performance in Candy, possibly the worst performance ever put on film), a secondary school education, and no looks, he managed to be part of the greatest rock group ever, make a bunch of movies, sleep with beautiful babes, be knighted by QE2, and make a zillion dollars. Talk about being in the right place at the right time.

To his credit, he is quite witty, and was charming when he was playing himself (in the Beatles movies, for example). Less remembered is the fact that the ring man also directed a theatrical movie called Born to Boogie a documentary about T-Rex. It is highly acclaimed within its genre, and is rated an astronomical 8.8 at IMDb.

DVD info from Amazon.

  • Full-screen format, plus a 1.85 widescreen anamorphic version

Caveman is a movie with a sub-Gilligan level of schtick, including cute bug-eyed dinosaurs interacting with wacky humans. The target market seems to be kids about 6 or 7, since it thinks that shit and farting are inherently funny. I can't really recommend it for your kids, since the gnarly cave dudes eat marijuana plants at one point, and a Rex-like dino gets stoned on berries. I don't know who the real audience might be. Maybe if you eat enough of those plants yourself, you might enjoy this a lot, but you might get seriously confused, dude, because the characters seem to speak in a gibberish language. I think maybe they were Canadians.

I tried to click on Awards and nominations at IMDB, but the link for this film was surprisingly dead. It must be some kind of administrative error.

The Critics Vote

The People Vote ...


IMDb guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence, about like three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, about like two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, about like two stars from the critics. Films under five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film, equivalent to about one and a half stars from the critics or less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this film is a C, I suppose, in the juvenile comedy genre. I don't know, to tell you the truth.

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