College

 (2008)

by Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

If you follow the box office updates weekly on OtherCrap.com  or elsewhere, you are familiar with this film, which just opened in theaters three weeks ago and is still playing on a smattering of screens as I write this.

How it got into theaters is a mystery ranking with the disappearance of Judge Crater. College is a purely formulaic film genre film like any you might see on the straight-to-DVD shelves. The script could have been created with Mad Libs. High school seniors ... lead actor gets dumped by his girl ... he and two nerdy friends go to a nearby college for a weekend introductory tour ... while there, they are tortured by obnoxious frat guys ... meet some chicks ... more torture ... get revenge ... back to high school ... lead actor refuses to take back the incredibly hot chick who dumped him, because he has grown.

The film does not have a single original idea, character, or joke. Frankly, it didn't even have any good stale jokes. The cast features neither established stars nor anyone you are likely to recognize. It's an obvious straight-to-vid product which is not even above the norm for those, but somehow, inexplicably, it got a very wide theatrical release. The man who sold this into 2100 screens must be the greatest persuader since the guy who said "Sure, Napoleon, conquering Russia will be a peace of cake."

Hell, Napoleon's Grand Armee got a free skate compared to this film. At the box office, it was a stinker for the ages. Among all films released in at least 2000 theaters, it had the fifth-worst opening weekend in history, which was the worst of 2008. Well, to be technical, it was the worst of the year in terms of total gross dollars, but another notorious stinker, The Rocker, actually did a bit worse in terms of revenues per theater. Call it a draw. Those two films came out on back-to-back weeks, so one glorious ten day period in late August of 2008 produced two of the worst financial performers of all time.

There's just nothing worthwhile to say about this film. It's rated 3.8 at IMDb, and that tells the story accurately, if a bit generously. Despite the film's universal presence, the top critics generally ignored it, and those who did reviewed were unkind. If the film's basic idea sounds good to you, rent The Naked Mile (aka American Pie 5) and watch that instead, because it has the same basic idea, but a better script, more nudity, better nudity, and some nudity from the main female characters.

THE CRITICS AND ACADEMIES

THE BOX OFFICE

Box Office Mojo. It grossed only $4.6 million, despite being in 2100 theaters.

NUDITY REPORT

The only identifiable nudity in College came from the lead actors Drake Bell and Andrew Caldwell, who bared their asses. And Caldwell really doesn't count, because he weighs, like, 700 pounds. If this guy went against Charles Barkley at an all-you-can-eat buffet, you'd have to consider Sir Charles the underdog. In fact, he'd be a ... er ... heavy underdog.

There is copious female nudity, but it consists entirely of breasts, and the actresses are all extras. There are anonymous topless chicks at a charity car wash without cars; there are topless background chicks at a party; then at another party. And so on.

Our Grade:

If you are not familiar with our grading system, you need to read the explanation, because the grading is not linear. For example, by our definition, a C is solid and a C+ is a VERY good movie. There are very few Bs and As. Based on our descriptive system, this film is a:

D