A rogue Russian general wants either to re-start the
Cold War for his own reasons, or simply to take over the world for fun
and profit. Agents of the legitimate Russian government have to team
with their American counterparts in order to overcome the threat, thus
creating an atmosphere for many internecine squabbles and the exposure
of virulent, unburied rivalries. Yet they eventually learn to get
along, and often even to fall in love before wiping out the rogue
general's evil task force. There is usually a renegade American agent
somewhere in the mix as well, and his or her perfidy is usually a last
reel surprise. Often, the Russian leader can't reveal that the rogue
is out of his control, for fear of eroding his own power base. (This
is also the general plot of the recent Ben Affleck thriller The Sum of
all Fears.) |
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Con Express also has that plot, more or less, and it is
not especially well done, certainly not worth your time. The rogue Russian general (played by The Mummy
dude with a Boris Badenov accent) commandeers a speeding train filled with the most powerful
chemical weapon known to man. One drop can destroy a quantity of
matter equal to everything Marlon Brando has ever eaten. A single
molecule dropped into the drinking water of Seattle would destroy
Starbucks forever. One sniff can
turn Rush Limbaugh into a member of the Oprah Book Club. Yadda, yadda.
It's a formulaic non-theatrical release, presented in a
full-screen DVD with no features. |
TUNA's THOUGHTS
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Con Express (2002) is a
Blockbuster direct to vid with the way over-used "evil Russian
general selling evil things to the bad guys" plot. Soviet agent
Ursula Karven and American treasury agent Sean Patrick Flanery
have to stop him. They do ... the end. That premise, even though
we know the story as soon as it starts, could still make for a
watchable actioner. This one went way out of its way to screw it
up.
As the film opens, Flanery is being interviewed for his boss's
job, and the interviewers want to go over his last case in
detail to make sure he is one of the good guys. So, right off
the bat, this expository trick ruined all chances of suspense.
He is being interviewed after the case is closed, and so,
obviously survived. Not only that, but the mere fact that he and
the two interviewers are alive shows that the deadly nerve gas
didn't escape or fall into terrorist hands. They shamelessly
mentioned September 11 in the opening sequence, and the name Con
Express, probably taken from the Yukon Express train which
figured prominently in the chase sequence, was more than likely
trying to capture some of the name recognition from Con Air. At
any rate, the purpose of the interview is to take a hard look at
the details of the case, to see if Flanery is on the up and up,
so we are invited to scrutinize every detail of the case with
the interviewers.
So, how did they do with a believable case? Here are a few of
the "lowlights." Early in the film, the rogue Russian General
speaks English over a radio to a helicopter pilot, who answers
in Russian. The general is hoping nobody will find out that he
is still alive after a plane crash, so broadcasting this Russian
language radio chatter is not the world's smartest move. Even
though the general is cuffed in the back of an FBI plane, he
manages to parachute out from high altitude, and land within
easy walking distance of a waiting vehicle. Flanery explains all
of this in detail, even though he wasn't there, and everyone who
was there is dead. The escape and plane crash were caused when
the male flight attendant on this FBI transport gave the
passengers knockout drops in their cocktails. Not only do they
have cocktails and flight attendants on an FBI transport, but
the plane doesn't have a co-pilot, and so crashes when the pilot
is shot. The Russian agent, of course, is a trained pilot, and
manages to crash land safely.
She and Flanery manage to walk to an abandoned but fully
furnished cabin, break up a single chair for firewood, take off
their clothes to dry, and stay warm all night from the fire from
the single chair. The Russian's gang can't locate them, even
though the smoke from the chimney had to be visible for miles in
the desolate Yukon. Flanery tells Karven about his father's
death. Seems daddy was a train driver, and had a heart attack.
The train derailed, and he was killed. Nice thought, but trains
have a dead man switch, and will stop if the engineer collapses.
The marines guarding barrels of deadly nerve gas on the train
are wearing HAZMAT suits, but begin to remove them when the
train comes under attack, placing the barrels in jeopardy. I
suppose HAZMAT masks are the last thing an expert would want
around deadly gas. Later, someone throws tear gas into the car
with the barrels. The guards are back in their HAZMAT gear, but
the tear gas incapacitates them. Maybe removing the masks wasn't
so stupid after all, if they can't even filter out tear gas.
Flanery and Karven jump from a snowbank, and land on the
snow-covered top of a fast moving train. Evidently rules of
inertia and momentum don't count in this tall tale either. The
train controllers decide to send fighters to take out the train.
Excuse me, but didn't they consider that blowing the train off
the tracks might rupture the barrels, killing most of Alaska and
Canada with this airborne nerve gas? Further, the fighters are
told to look just east of "Twin Hammers," as we are looking at a
situation map with a moving target indicator showing the train
southwest of Twin Hammers. At one point, for no apparent reason,
one fighter rolls out toward his wing man. The fighters are
ordered to start an avalanche to stop the train, so they fire
heat-seeking missiles at snow caps. Flanery then goes into
detail about what happened between Karven and the general after
he was pushed off the speeding train, even though he wasn't
there, and nobody survived the avalanche. Then, he drives the
cab of an 18 wheeler to where his boss is selling the barrels to
the Koreans, and they don't notice him sitting there watching
them. Now, how do you suppose you stop a plane taking off with
deadly nerve gas containers? By outrunning it in your 18 wheeler
and crashing into one of the props, of course.
I have never seen a film with as many obvious plot problems, and
certainly not one where the director asked me to listen to the
story critically.
As a techno-thriller addict, and ex electronic warfare systems
engineer, this is my kind of film, and I found it appalling.
Given a choice between scrubbing the mildew from the bathroom
tile grout and watching this film, reach for the Lysol and a
toothbrush. |
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The
Critics Vote
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The People
Vote ...
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| IMDb
guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of
excellence, about like three and a half stars
from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm
watchability, about like two and a half stars
from the critics. The fives are generally not
worthwhile unless they are really your kind of
material, about like two stars from the critics.
Films under five are generally awful even if you
like that kind of film, equivalent to about one
and a half stars from the critics or less,
depending on just how far below five the rating
is. My own
guideline: A means the movie is so good it
will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not
good enough to win you over if you hate the
genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an
open mind about this type of film. C means it will only
appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover
appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you
like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if
you love the genre. F means that the film is not only
unappealing across-the-board, but technically
inept as well.
Based on this description, this
film is a D. I like this kind of movie, but this one just fails.
The action isn't very active, the characterizations aren't
interesting. The humor is minimal. There is nothing original
enough to hold one's attention. (Tuna: D)
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