by Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

It's spring break in a sorority house. Most of the girls have headed down to Cabo for the sun, but eight have stayed behind for various reasons. As the recess begins, a new cook starts to work at the house. He is a handsome Hungarian and popular, despite  the fact that he can't speak a word of English. His popularity declines considerably as the film progresses, mainly because he creates his gourmet meals by killing the girls one by one, then feeding them to the survivors.

The Cook is a formulaic slasher-kills-horny-teens film. It's neither a poor effort nor a good one. Although the production values are adequate and the narrative is smooth, the film is utterly unremarkable. It's one of those films that make you feel you've seen it even when you haven't, because there is nothing to distinguish it from every other similar movie since Friday the 13th. The eight girls represent the full coterie of slasher movie stock characters: the religious zealot trying to deny her burning lust, the snarky dyke, the nympho, the girl who studies all the time, the bubbly exercise freak, the dumb blonde, etc. The same lack of creativity behind the characterization is also reflected in the dialogue.

Nor does the film redeem itself with genre indulgences. There are neither wildly inventive deaths nor good scares. The only dramatic tension revolves around the order in which the cast of characters will die. The film's only interesting secrets are held back until the epilogue. The only real guilty pleasures come from some moderately kinky sex and nudity from some attractive women.

A good portion of The Cook's failure to register any memorable images upon our consciousness can be attributed to the fact that it tries to negotiate a balance between straightforward splatter and black comedy, thus ending up with a half-hearted effort at both. Given the routine nature of the gore, the filmmakers probably would have been better off to commit fully to the black comedy angle, where the script showed an occasional glimpse of inspiration.

Our Grade:

If you are not familiar with our grading system, you need to read the explanation, because the grading is not linear. For example, by our definition, a C is solid and a C+ is a VERY good movie. There are very few Bs and As. Based on our descriptive system, this film is a:

C-

Competent but routine genre film.

The bulk of the nudity comes from Nina Fehren, a tall thin woman with a face like Mischa Barton, an athletic body and a shapely derriere. She strips topless for body shots in one scene, then gets naked and masturbates in the bathtub before being killed.

Bubbly Kit Paquin was the most charming woman in the cast, but showed minimal nudity. She did a brief sex scene with her math tutor. She showed her tushy but was shown to be covered on top when the camera accidentally went where it was not supposed to, so the nude woman with the exposed butt may have been a double.

As the slave in a lesbian bondage relationship, Brooke Lenzi was chained and stripped topless by her partner, then killed by the madman while she was still bound and undressed.