Counter Measures (1997) from Tuna and Scoopy, Jr.
|Tuna's words in yellow, Junior's in Aqua.|
|Countermeasures is a post cold war ... um ... thriller. A group of Russians who miss the good old days figure out that, by simply killing a submarine crew, then launching a MIRV against a bunch of Russian cities, they can reunite the Soviet Union and rekindle the cold war. All that stands in the way of these patriots is Captain Jake Fuller (Michael Dudikoff), ex Green Beret and conscientious objector/medical officer, and one of the worst scripts ever written.||
|A word to those who want to make this sort
of film but don't believe in research. A boat is either a
watercraft that fits on a ship, or a submarine. A
submarine is a "boat," not a ship. Water from
hull pressure does not first appear seeping from a
ventilation grate in an interior cabin, and does not
float weightless. Gravity still exists under water.
Setting launch codes into a nuclear weapon would not
entail flipping every one of 32 toggle switches -- a
simple binary function (all on/all off) would only
require one switch. Prolonged gunfire on a submerged
submarine would be a really "ungood" idea.
If you see this in the aisles of your local video store, not only avoid it, but hold your nose as you walk by.
Back in August I caught "Counter Measures" one night and was inspired by how horrible it was. Tuna is right, this is one of the worst scripts ever written, and Lada Boder nude is the only thing even mildly redeeming about this movie! I watched this on cable, and several thoughts came to mind. Above all I remembered an episode of the Simpsons. It's the episode where Bart and Lisa go to the "Stock Footage Film Festival" at the Aztec theater. This movie is about 90 minutes long, but I'm willing to bet that at least 20 of those minutes are from "The Hunt for Red October" and "Crimson Tide".
As for the rest of the movie....to borrow from Comic Book Guy, this is the roomiest submarine ever! Although it is supposed to be a small Russian scout sub, there is still plenty of leg room. Enough to perform over 50 or 60 different kinds of karate kicks, flips, and jumps! What about all the high tech equipment needed to power a nuclear submarine you ask? Well, the Soviet navy needed to make a few cutbacks. So apparently all they need now is one steering wheel, a radar scope, and a guidance computer for targeting their unsuspecting prey! (insert diabolical laughter here)
They even cut out the need for a periscope, which is unheard of in the big book of movie cliches! Although I did miss a few minutes of the movie so maybe there's still hope.
Speaking of cliches..."Counter Measures" actually crossed over to a different chapter of the book! At one point our heroes end up "crawling through the ventilation ducts"! (As I said...roomiest submarine ever!) Of course, that move is typically reserved for any hero trapped in a building held by terrorists, aliens, or monsters.
was one? Script...probably made up while the actors were
busy shooting the fight scenes. Continuity...HA!
So what was my favorite part? Probably the scene where our hero does a Rambo, and removes a bullet from his leg. Here's the kicker...he does it with a corkscrew! Plus...when he holds it up to look at it, (as outlined in the Big Book of Movie Cliches) the bullet is neatly pierced, just like the cork of a fine wine!
Return to the Movie House home page