D-Tox (1999,or 2002, or something) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

This film is also called "eye see you"

Talk about a rip-off.

Mind you, I knew this Stallone actioner would be a bad movie. The studio kept it on the shelf for three years. The European critics ripped it a new one. In addition to the impressive consensus of 100% negative reviews at Rotten Tomatoes, it may be the biggest money loser in history. The people who financed this film had to have lost nearly 100% of their investment. Columbia Tri-Star dumped $55 million dollars into this movie, and the domestic gross was $79 thousand.  It was pulled from theaters after its first trial week, ala Gigli, after which it disappeared from North American eyes entirely for approximately another year, until it finally made a Region 1 DVD appearance in December of 2002. Filming had started almost exactly four years earlier, in January 1999.

So I had myself steeled against a bad movie, fully expecting a major bomb. I figured I could handle a crappy movie in order to see the Dina Meyer shower scene (found in the Naked Encyclopedia). After all, it's not like I've never watched a bad movie to see a naked woman, and this one is rated 4.7 at IMDb, which isn't great, but seems like Casablanca compared to the movies of Fred Olin Ray and Jim Wynorski.

Well, guess what? There is no sign of Dina's bare bottom. I watched the entire full screen version, then I watched the entire widescreen version in fast motion. Nothing.

My hopes rose again. I saw that there were eight deleted scenes. Surely the nudity was there?

Nope.

It was even deleted from the deleted scenes. Yes, my friends, it was on the dreaded "double secret deletion".

There is, therefore, no reason to watch this film. If you are hanging around Blockbuster, beware of D-Tox. More practically, beware of a film called "eye see you", with all cutesy lower-case letters, which is the name used for this same film in North American DVD distribution

The esteemed Mr. Stallone plays a Fed who is tracking down a serial killer of police officers. In the process of working the case, Stallone has a breakdown when the killer slaughters Stallone's own girlfriend in his own house, after having distracted Stallone to the location of a different murder. Well sir, ol' Rocky Balboa fails to solve the case, then hits skid row and ends up so unkempt and out of shape that he is indistinguishable from Tom Waits, except maybe that he sings a little better. Ol' Rambo is eventually sent to a special d-tox center out in the wilderness, somewhere in the Pacific Northwest.

Let's see if you can figure out what will happen next.

Here are your clues:

• This is a d-tox center isolated in the wilderness.

• It is filled with pathetic alcoholic cops who are weeping and attending group therapy 24/7.

• They all have to surrender their weapons, so they are all pathetic, alcoholic, defenseless cops.

• Stallone is there

• The serial cop-killer has two goals in life (1) kill Stallone (2) kill cops.

Question 1: Where do you think the serial cop-and-Rambo-killer will show up?

1. At the d-tox center filled with defenseless cops and a defenseless Stallone.

2. The Oprah Show.

3. A hippie commune in Taos

4. Nobody knows. He will reach 65 and retire, to kill no more.

Question 2: What will happen when the killer shows up?

1. The cops will say "fuck sobriety" and order in a keg of Pabst.

2. The killer will kill all the cops and Stallone.

3. The institute will spot the killer immediately, arrest him, and everyone will be blissfully happy.

4. The psychotic killer will murder many of the cops, whereupon all the remaining cops will accuse all the other remaining cops of being the killer. Stallone will find a way to arm himself, identify the real killer, take his revenge, and find a new love as well.