Man, I never could master those themed murders. I couldn't handle the numbered list theme either. There have been serial murderers who have based their crimes on the seven deadly sins and the ten commandments and the twelve signs of the zodiac, and other well known numbered lists, so I thought I could create a genre mystery by inventing a killer who killed each victim based upon one of the three Pep Boys, but the script was too short. I guess I could wait for them to name additional Pep Individuals, but many of my friends told me that the script was just too technical, and would only appeal to those who truly appreciate fine auto parts. Maybe I'll change it and have each murder based on one of the Seven Little Foys.

The premise of Dead End Road is as follows:

A detective has been on the trail of the "Poe killer" for many years, but the kidnapping of a high profile supermodel causes the FBI to take over the case. The detective might normally be a bit upset over this blatant turf grab by the feds, but he can't really say much since the FBI agent assigned to the case is his own daughter. The detective walks away and retires to lecture at a nearby college. The FBI woman soon figures out how to use the internet to contact the killer and sets up a meeting. She and her partner show up without back-up, which soon results in his death and her abduction. Of course, the brings the old detective out of retirement to save his daughter from his old nemesis.

I could tell you that this film is not really DVD quality, but that would be misleading, because this film is not even BVD quality. That's right, if you put your shorts up on the wall, they would be more interesting than this film.

And they would have a more satisfying ending.

No, that isn't really true. I'm just being mean. This film is really, really bad in certain ways, but it is also quite competent in others.

Let's start with the film's liabilities.

• Number one, it was shot on digital video which, in this case, seems to mean "a home camcorder borrowed from somebody's dad." The technical quality is not significantly better than your Uncle Dwight's home movies, and the special effects ... well, there are better special effects in "Clerks."
• Number two, although there are some competent C-list actors in the film, the minor roles appear to have been filled out by the director's friends and family, and some of them have not discovered the first clue in the eternal mystery of how to deliver lines. Do you remember those little kids who used to appear each week on Mr. Wizard? They would deliver all of their lines with breathless, exaggerated enthusiasm. "Gee, Mr. Wizard! You mean the same air that you and I breathe? Wow!" Well, those little kids had the subdued, subtle acting chops of Meryl Streep compared to the minor characters in this film.

So much for the really bad news. Those two points both boil down to the same thing: no money. Film is expensive. Lighting is expensive. Sets are expensive. Costumes are expensive. Actors are expensive. Realistic gore is expensive.

There is good news.

• First and foremost, the director threw some work to Principal Belding (right), who played the father of the captured supermodel. Mr. Belding has gained a few pounds since Saved by the Bell.
• I suppose I have to admit, albeit reluctantly, that the presence of Mr. Belding is less important than the fact that this director knows how to compose his images and how to edit. Some of the visuals in the nighttime forest are eerily effective. Even the indoor shots are artistically and dramatically composed, and several images create a powerful visceral impact.

You get the impression that this director could make a good movie if he had the money.

This, however, ain't it.