Derailed (2005) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

There is nothing incompetent about Derailed, a Hollywood erotic thriller starring Clive Owen and Jennifer Aniston. The direction, acting, and scripting are all adequate. Yet I can't give you a single good reason to watch the film unless you've never seen a femme fatale thriller before. If you have already seen a few, there is absolutely nothing new in this one.

• The characters are the same old genre stereotypes: the nice guy tempted to stray from an excessively routine life, the femme fatale, the over-the-top psychotic villain, the tough cop with a sentimental streak.

• The script is completely predictable. If we went into the film assuming that it was a straight drama, the central plot twist would catch us napping, but since it is a thriller, we automatically assume that there must be a hole card hidden from our view. In this case, we can identify the downturned card in the same way that a blackjack counter can identify the last card in the deck - there is only one remaining possibility. If everything is not as it appears, there can only be one other alternative.

• The sex and nudity are passionless. Clive Owen and Jennifer Aniston don't manage to ignite any sparks between them in a lovemaking scene. The subsequent rape scene is powerful and emotionally involving, but it is a rape after all, and therefore not a pleasant scene to watch. Moreover, Jennifer Aniston manages to stay fully dressed throughout the lovemaking with Clive Owen and even while she is being raped by Vincent Cassel.

• After we assume the film to have concluded, there is a completely gratuitous and anti-climactic finale which destroys whatever remaining credibility the film may have had. The action was so implausible that many audiences were heckling the screen as the scene transpired.

Tuna noted that the filmmakers were caught in a quandary on the casting of Jennifer Aniston. They wanted the grosses which her "name recognition factor" would provide, but in order to get her they had to be willing to forego anything which might have made the film erotic. The film really called for a sexier female lead, one who could convincingly seduce a happily married man, and one willing to do at least the natural nudity required to make the sex scenes look genuine. (The fully-dressed sex scenes look ridiculous and artificial, like the old drive-in porno where the guys always kept their pants on.) I hate to say it because of the unhappy connection between the two women, but the perfect woman for the role would have been Angelina Jolie. As the film stands, it plays out like an expurgated network TV version of an R-rated movie.

As I add up the totals, my spreadsheet says that it all adds up to a PG-13 erotic thriller which fails to deliver on either thrills or eroticism. Despite that result, it would be dishonest for me to give it a very low score simply because the package is professionally assembled. If there could have been more than one solution to the puzzle, and/or if the sex and nudity had been as impressive as the action in Body Heat or Basic Instinct, Derailed would be a film to recommend. In its current condition, it is a barely watchable time-killer and easily solvable for genre fans.