Dinosaur Valley Girls
Valley Girls (1996) is
categorized as Action/Adventure/Comedy/Sci-Fi, and is a low budget
exploitation film directed by Donald F. Glut (rhymes with toot).
Equally unknown for his acting, he also wrote this one. I viewed the
Uncut Directors version. I assumed there would at least be plenty of
nudity. You should never assume anything. Perhaps the most amazing
thing about this film is that Glut is actually proud of it, and has a
second side to the DVD for Special Features, and a full length
directors commentary, with such useful comments as "Look how the
cell phone changed from tan to black between the two scenes. The
rental company was out of tan phones the second day."
Let me have a go at the plot. An
out-of-shape Kung Fu movie hero has a girlfriend who is trying to use
him to land a big part. He is absorbed with a dream he has about a
prehistoric valley with dinosaurs and a cave girl who loves him for
his body -- not his connections. While visiting a museum to learn more
about dinosaurs and possible figure out what is causing his dreams, he
makes a wish on a medallion and ends up in dinosaur valley. There, the
dinosaurs are mean, the men fight and fart, and the women live
elsewhere. He saves the life of the women who has been in his dreams,
and she paves the way for him to get along with the women. There might
be some other nuance ... oh, yea. They have sex, but mostly
off-camera. The prehistoric women do show their boobs from time to
from Arkeni, denise Ames, Griffen Drew, Michelle Stanger and
many unnamed extras
| The dinosaurs are a combination of
stop-motion animation of hand painted plastic models, one actual
animated model, and some real lizards. There are two reasons for the
real lizards. First, one of them was the personal pet of the director.
Second, they serve to show how bad the stop motion animation really
is. Shot in the scenic wilds of San Fernando Valley, a cave in
Griffith Park and on a soundstage, scenes of the same terrain look
totally different depending on what is superimposed on the foreground
(actor, dinosaur model, anamitron or real lizard).
Important things I learned from
- Prehistoric women all wore black
Spandex thongs under their fake animal skin loincloths.
- Breast enhancement was available
long before we ever suspected.
- The militant anti-smokers date
back 1,000,000 years.
- Women will put up with anything -
even flatulence and poor hygiene -- if their man learns to kiss
- Writting and delivering dialogue
is much easier if everyone is using a made-up language of two
syllable words. Which is still far more complex than the
single syllable English spoken by our hero.
- Prehistoric bras go on and off far
more easily than modern ones (even a dinosaur took one off).
- Not every film that is "so
bad" is "good."
For those of you that can't wait to
buy this one, there is some good news. There is lots of nudity.
- With their
votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters
score it 6.4, based on an insignificant number of votes.
It should be far lower.
guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of
excellence, about like three and a half stars
from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm
watchability, about like two and a half stars
from the critics. The fives are generally not
worthwhile unless they are really your kind of
material, about like two stars from the critics.
Films under five are generally awful even if you
like that kind of film, equivalent to about one
and a half stars from the critics or less,
depending on just how far below five the rating
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