The Doll Squad (1973) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

An evil ex-CIA agent is about to take over the world. To demonstrate his unchallengeable power, he is exploding America's space missions with impunity. On a secret island off the coast of Venezuela, he and his private army, without any fear from the CIA or the U.S. Army, are prepared to unleash biological warfare upon the world - millions of rats infected with bubonic plague.

Who can stop them if the might of America's military is insufficient? Well, basically the only hope for the world is six chicks clad in polyester suits and white vinyl high-heeled go-go boots, under the leadership of their commander, Sabrina. These boots are made for desert-walkin' (see picture)

Can you guess which decade this comes from? One more hint: the evil bad guy wears Quiana shirts with several open buttons, and gold chains. Oh, yeah, and he owns every BeeGee's album and one of those mirror balls. 

What makes the squad of Dolls so tough? Ooh, talk about the clothes they wear. And the way the sunlight plays upon their hair. 


Tura Satana got kinda-sorta topless except for pasties.

Or maybe it is their wide range of skills. One is a librarian who has read many books about how to be tough and stuff. One is a stripper who has her uncanny ability to - um - spin.  One is an Olympic swimmer, with an uncanny ability to look good in a bikini. Most important, their leader, the omnipresent Sabrina, used to be the bad guy's girlfriend, so she knows all his weaknesses, like where he keeps his really bad toupee. The strongest element on the side of the dolls is their magic explosive powder, the strongest explosive force "outside the atom". When the girls put this in the bad guys' drinks, it makes them explode without a trace. (A very useful thing in a zero budget film, because it can be done by stopping the camera, having the guys leave the frame, then re-starting. Poof, they're gone.)  

The girls attack the island in two squads. Four of the girls approach the island by sea in a boat, while the other two arrive in a jeep. While they seem to be oblivious to the fact that one cannot drive a jeep from the USA to a Caribbean Island, they seem to have technology at their disposal that we can only dream of. Like the exploding drink powder. About 15 minutes of running time is killed by the girls' approach to the island. Jeep driving through desert. Girls consult map. Boat sailing. Girls use binoculars. Repeat several times, occasionally swapping the map to the boat and the binoculars to the jeep.

The six of them wipe out the Evil Army. (Actually, four of them were tied up, so the librarian had to wipe out the army pretty much alone, but she had read the right books.)

On their way back to the boat, they run into a roadblock, so they reach to the floor of their jeep and pull out their bazooka (I'm not kidding). This bazooka, roughly as big as one of the girls, had never been introduced before that point (about a minute before the credits).

But I admire their preparation.

DVD info from Amazon.

  • Widescreen anamorphic, 1.78:1. The film was cheap, and is 30 years old, but the transfer is as good as possible.

  • Full-length director commentary(!!)

  • remiscences from Tura Satana

This was directed by the legendary Ted Mikels (Astro-Zombies). According to legend, he sued Aaron Spelling for developing "Charlie's Angels" from his concept. Not sure how that lawsuit worked out. Maybe he revealed the details on his commentary, which I didn't have time to listen to.

Commentary? Yup! Surprisingly for a thirty year old movie rated 2.8 at IMDb, it contains a full-length director's commentary on the DVD, and it looks pretty good for a movie filmed thirty years ago on the cheap.

My favorite flub: remember that the boat captain dropped off four girls. He was not part of the mission and he didn't know what their purpose was. The other two approached by jeep. Of the six girls, one was killed and didn't come back, so five girls made the return trip in the boat. Now, of course, the boat captain should have asked "where did you pick up an extra girl?", since he thought there were four. Instead, he asks how they lost one. Now, the question is, how did he know there were supposed to be six? I guess he had already watched the movie at his local teatro in Caracas.

The DVD transfer lovingly preserves the flubbed lines, the lack of continuity, the bimbo-in-a-car-commercial acting level, and the plot's complete lack of consideration for elements revealed earlier in the movie. If you're the right kind of person, this movie may be just what you are looking for. 

The Critics Vote

  • Leonard Maltin 0/4

The People Vote ...

  • With their votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters score it a sterling 2.8. Very close to the list of the all-time worst, but no cigar. (It requires 2.2 or less to make the bottom 100)
IMDb guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence, about like three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, about like two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, about like two stars from the critics. Films under five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film, equivalent to about one and a half stars from the critics or less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this film is an E by any objective standard, but could be a C for you, depending on your sense of humor. If you love to sit down with friends and laugh at bad movies, this one is your kind of material. If you are looking for a real movie, move along.

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