Firehouse (1986) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

The Robbins Recipe: Police Academy meets Porky's, except a lower level of sophistication. 

The most interesting thing about this 1986 titty movie is whether Julia Roberts made her screen debut in this turkey. She is listed in the cast by the IMDb, although she is not listed in the credits. Some of the IMDb members swear she is in it, others deny it. Beats the heck out of me. I couldn't make a firm conclusion either way, even after watching it. She would have been 18 at the time.

I know for sure that she isn't one of the nudie cuties, but I can't say for sure on a couple of the dressed girls.

The (lame) premise of this comedy is that the worst fire company in the city is about to be changed by the city's new hiring practices. Three female firefighters join the crowd. The guys resent them at first, but .... well, you can figure the rest.

The central conflict is that someone is deliberately burning down buildings in that part of town, and it turns out to be a consortium which includes the boyfriend of one of the new female firefighters. Meanwhile, she's falling for someone else, and feeling great compassion for the displaced people in that neighborhood. I think you can fill in the blanks here as well.


male nudity: none

female frontals and/or buttocks: none

female breasts: everyone. The three stars do topless scenes. Gianna Rains is topless in several scenes, while Martha Peterson and Renee Raiford give up the goodies only in one extended scene (the guys sound a false alarm while the girls are in the shower). About a dozen other women are topless at various times, including the late Jennifer Stahl.

I mentioned earlier that this flick is less sophisticated than Porky's or the later Police Academy films. I'll bet you thought that wasn't possible, but it is. The cast is all one-timers and amateurs. Of the three stars, Gianna Rains was in two other films in the 1987-88 period, in minor parts, then disappeared. The other two girls can point to this film as their entire career. Their folks must be proud. We hope that they are now doctors or investment bankers, or something prestigious, and can try to forget the Firehouse portion of their lives.

It's bad when amateurs do drama, but it's worse when they do comedy. They all end up making Larry Storch facial expressions and waving their hands around frenetically, like Al Jolson singing "Toot Toot Tootsie Good-bye" in fast forward. If Charlie Callas were in this movie, he would have the part of the dignified senior member of the crew. Skipper and Gilligan seem like characters in a Strindberg play compared to these performances. Shemp Howard and Pauly Shore would look away in embarrassment if they saw this.

DVD info from Amazon.

  • no widescreen

  • no features

If bad performances aren't enough to scare you off, it's also pretty darned offensive. I know I'd be really ticked off if I were Irish. I never get offended if they have an ethnic character and he indulges in some exaggerated stereotypical behavior. Lord knows, I hate that politically correct shit, and I think we all need to learn to laugh at ourselves as well as at Patrick Swayze. But this movie has not one exaggerated Irish buffoon, but several, praying and drinking away and talking with those ludicrous Sargeant O'Hara accents. "A foine top o' ta marning to y', m' boyos". 

You get the picture.  

The Critics Vote

  • no reviews online

The People Vote ...

  • With their votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters score it 3.0, and that's a bit high, because two of the voters gave it a ten!
IMDb guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence, about like three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, about like two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, about like two stars from the critics. Films under five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film, equivalent to about one and a half stars from the critics or less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this film is a D or an E as a comedy, but a respectable C as a titty flick. 

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