Flesh Gordon Meets The Cosmic Cheerleaders (1989) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski) and Realist

The cosmic cheerleaders go to Cosmic High, of course.

Do you really need a review?

As you know, the first Flesh Gordon tried to strike a balance between being an inspired genre parody, a lighthearted claymation adventure, a soft core tittie flick, and a sophomoric episode of the Three Stooges set in outer space. It delivered a reasonable ratio of laughs and flesh that made it fairly watchable.

This one delivers all too little genre parody and all too little flesh, delivering mostly silly-looking monsters, bad acting, and shit jokes. Oh, yeah, and don't forget the diabolical laughter. This probably delivers the most diabolical laughter per minute of any TV show or movie made since the Batman series went off the air. The baddies, Master Bater and Evil Presence (parodies of Riff Raff and Darth Vader, more or less), spend pretty much all their screen time saying things like "then I will have Flesh Gordon's virile dong and rule the entire universe" followed by looking at each other sideways and going "mua ha ha ha ha ha ha " in each other's face. If you happen to be into diabolical laughter, this film is your Gone With The Wind.


Morgan Fox - breasts

Robyn Kelly - a clear plastic bra, and a nipple fall-out

Breasts and thongs from the three cheerleaders, Melissa Mounds, Strawberry Angel, and various background people

Buns fromVince Murdocco

There are a lot of jokes, but the essential problem with the film is that the humor is aimed at 14 year olds, but the film is NC-17, so who the hell is supposed to laugh?

Realist wrote:

"I picked this film up by accident when I was searching for The Bicycle Thief, De Sica's neorealist masterpiece about the subtle social evolution in post-war Italy. I thought I had it right when I looked at the cast. How would I have guessed that Melissa Mounds, Dee Lux, and Strawberry Angel were in both films? Doh!

Bad movie, but there is something interesting about it. Morgan Fox was the Playmate of the Month in December 1990, a year after she made this movie, so I guess Hef chose a woman who already had a career in sleazy, trashy, unrated movies. You have to admire him for that."

Let's see, there's an impotence ray which has affected much of the universe, and so some cheerleaders kidnap Flesh because his tallywacker still works. Needless to say, the Evil Presence must have Flesh's penis grafted onto his body, because with his evil brain, and the only working dick in the universe, he can - I don't know, get laid a lot and rule the universe, I guess. The cheerleaders, as it turns out, are not evil, just horny, and they just want to dance, chew gum, and have sex. The usual cheerleader-related activities.

DVD info from Amazon.

  • The absolute minimum: no widescreen version, no features

  • The DVD does have the longer version (101 minutes - there is also an r-rated 98 minute version)

Other highlights:
  • Dr Jerkov's space ship is powered by chickens fucking. When the roosters are affected by the impotence ray, Flesh has to fuck the chickens.
  • Whenever women bounce around, we get those "boing-g-g-g-g-g-" noises, as in John J Fadoodle "boing-g-g-g-g-g-" , Private Eye.
  • And a lot of stuff takes place in the G-Spot cafe, which has mostly women in it because "men can never find the G-spot"
  • Flesh spends a lot of time in a sub-plot which involves some turd people who plan to eat Flesh and digest him, thereby making him one of them.

Get the idea?

The Critics Vote

The People Vote ...

  • With their votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters score it 3.8, and that seems about right.
IMDb guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence, about like three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, about like two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, about like two stars from the critics. Films under five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film, equivalent to about one and a half stars from the critics or less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this film is a D. Not many people will find the exiguous nudity and humor worth waiting for, amid the grade school humor schtick.

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