Forbidden Zone: Alien Abduction (1996) from Brainscan

A few fundamental questions have been debated since the dawn of human consciousness: such as, when was the dawn of human consciousness? And why, in a world made by a good and perfect God, does evil or Dick Cheney exist? And... my favorite... how bad does a movie have to be that a lockerroom of six nekkid women and two girl-girl scenes can't save it? Forbidden Zone: Alien Abduction (1996) attempts to answer the last of these. Does a damn good job of it, too.

Movie starts with a naked gal swimming in a pool. That would be Floriela Grapinni. She gets out of the pool and ogles a woman who's just come into the place: the first sign this is going to be a movie with heavy lesbotronic overtones.

Woman she ogles is played by Meredyth Holmes, a pale blonde with an interesting face and...if you don't mind me saying so... a killer rack. She gets her kit off, lolls around and imagines a funny looking dude is doing 'er right there. pool-side.

Enter Darcy DeMoss, former Hefmate Pia Reyes (how I love the way that woman looks...surprisingly tall, with legs up to her ears and a body to study like finals were just around the corner) and two other friends with Eastern European names.

They start to talk, and they talk and talk and, when they are done, they talk some more. Shit, if I wanna hear a naked babe talk my ears clean off, I'll wait to the missus is in the tub and ask her how her day went.

Couple of times the movie cuts away to show you what one of the gals is talking about. And here is where things get tres confusing. Like one of them, played by Alina Chivelescu tells about a massage she got, but the gal getting the massage in the movie is Darcy DeMoss. Thought I'd gone crazy or something very much like that. Went back and checked, and yah, you betcha, it was Darcy frigging DeMoss acting out Alina's story. WTF? Anyway, it is a twofer... you get to see Alina topless and Darcy topless, so far be it for me to piss and moan.

So, anywho, Alina tells her story and a second gal, a redhead named Carmen Lacatus tells hers and then throws off her towel and jumps into the pool at the end, so everything is just dandy, you know.

That leaves Pia, Darcy and Meredyth. Seems the three of them were stranded on a lonely road together some time back and their stories of erotic fantasies start to intersect. Each knows what one is about to say, as though each had been in the same place at the same time. The fantasies involve some unhappy boy-girl things for Pia and a weird-ass girl-girl thing for Darcy, complete with a nekkid friend (Laura Ilica) and a topless dancer (Alice Balaianu).

At that point, Meredyth figures it out. Well, that's not the right phraseology. She figures it out the same way that old broad did on Murder She Wrote or that Monk guy does on TV, which means she reaches into her ass up to her elbow and pulls out the most far-fetched explanation since Colin Powell went to the U.N. with his slide show.

Seems the three of them were abducted by an alien. He allowed Darcy and Pia to find what they really wanted in a sexual relationship. That would be: one another. So they do the lesbo-lite routine. And Meredyth? Why, shoot, she always wanted to hump an alien, and he is oh so happy to oblige. So rather than do the usual, alien anal-probe activity with an inanimate object, he uses something a tad more personal.


see the main commentary

And thar ya go. A pretty poor half-hour funky cable show padded with sixty minutes of towel-clad women yakking like there is no fucking tomorrow. Sound like your cup of tea? Well, then, bucko: have at it. As for me, I've seen it twice now... capped it from videotape a long while ago and now from DVD... so my quota of listening to boring, far-fetched gal stories is used up for something approaching a decade.

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The meaning of the IMDb score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics. Films rated below five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one and a half stars from the critics. (Possibly even less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

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