Full Body Massage (1995) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

There is quite a famous French movie called La Belle Noiseuse which is four hours long and basically consists of Emmanuelle Beart standing around naked.

The script would look something like this:

Emmanuelle Beart is playing an artist's model. She enters, removes her robe and hangs around naked for about half of the film while she and the artist improvise a discussion about the meaning of life and the nature of art for four hours.

Nice compact script.

How does one bring the excitement of this film to an American audience? No, you can't just show it as is. Americans will not attend four hour movies about anything, let alone the nature of art, and they hate subtitles. Moreover, the Beart nudity has no special appeal since she is virtually unknown in the USA, and there is certainly no outcry to see her naked, sexy though she may be.

Note how brilliantly this classic film was adapted to American audiences. I have come upon the actual script (rough draft) as follows:

Emmanuelle Beart Mimi Rogers is playing an artist's model agent. She enters, removes her robe and hangs around naked for about half of the film while she and the artist her masseuse improvise a discussion about the meaning of life and the nature of art massage for four two hours.

There you have it. The English-language version of La Belle Noiseuse is a made-for-cable film named Full Body Massage. And that is a perfect title, because that is exactly what the film is: Bryan Brown massaging a naked Mimi Rogers for two hours, in focus, in nice clear light, on good film stock. It is exactly what you expect it to be from that description, except for two things:

1) Both Mimi and Bryan have flashbacks in which other people get naked (details in the nudity report).

2) Regrettably, Mimi manages to get through the entire film without ever showing her pubic hair. Her breasts, however, are mammoth.

Your likelihood of boredom is thus directly proportionate to your fascination with Mimi's mammaries. If you can enjoy them bobbing and jiggling for a couple of hours, you have found Valhalla.
Full Body Massage DVD Mimi Rogers (1995)

DVD INFO

  • This is an all-region DVD in PAL format. If you play DVD's on a computer , it will play anywhere, because computer monitors can handle PAL or NTSC. If you play DVDs on a stand-alone DVD player and a television, your set-up must be able to play PAL format.
  • The DVD has no features, and there is no widescreen version of the film, but the transfer is clear and crisp.
  • Available in America. Click the picture for info.

 

NUDITY REPORT
  • Mimi Rogers - breast and buns for about half of the movie
  • Gabriella Hall - full frontal in a flashback - no face visible, since she's playing the same character as Mimi Rogers
  • Elizabeth Barondes - breasts and bum
  • Christopher Burgard - bum and the side of his penis, partially obscured by his thighs

The Critics Vote ...

  • No major reviews online.

The People Vote ...

 
The meaning of the IMDb score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics, or a C- from our system. Films rated below five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one and a half stars from the critics or a D on our scale. (Possibly even less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

Our own guideline:

  • A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre.
  • B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. Any film rated B- or better is recommended for just about anyone. In order to rate at least a B-, a film should be both a critical and commercial success. Exceptions: (1) We will occasionally rate a film B- with good popular acceptance and bad reviews, if we believe the critics have severely underrated a film. (2) We may also assign a B- or better to a well-reviewed film which did not do well at the box office if we feel that the fault lay in the marketing of the film, and that the film might have been a hit if people had known about it. (Like, for example, The Waterdance.)
  • C+ means it has no crossover appeal, but will be considered excellent by people who enjoy this kind of movie. If this is your kind of movie, a C+ and an A are indistinguishable to you.
  • C means it is competent, but uninspired genre fare. People who like this kind of movie will think it satisfactory. Others probably will not.
  • C- indicates that it we found it to be a poor movie, but genre addicts find it watchable. Any film rated C- or better is recommended for fans of that type of film, but films with this rating should be approached with caution by mainstream audiences, who may find them incompetent or repulsive or both. If this is NOT your kind of movie, a C- and an E are indistinguishable to you.
  • D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. We don't score films below C- that often, because we like movies and we think that most of them have at least a solid niche audience. Now that you know that, you should have serious reservations about any movie below C-. Films rated below C- generally have both bad reviews and poor popular acceptance.
  • E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre.
  • F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

 

Based on this description, this film is a C-, I guess. If you want to see Mimi Rogers get massaged naked (breast and bum) for an hour or more of running time, this provides that clearly, in something close to real time. If that does not appeal to you, there is very little else goin' on.

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