Girl in Gold Boots (1969) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)
A lonely drifter in a convertible stops in a forgotten and deserted café on a back road to LA. He spies a pretty girl dancing, unaware of his presence. 

The set-up for a noir murder mystery, ala The Postman Always Rings Twice? 

Well, sort of, except that this one is yet another work of genius from that noted cinema impresario, Ted V Mikels. In fact, this is actually one of his best movies, but is currently rated as the 29th worst movie of all time at IMDb, mainly because MST3000 picked this one for "the treatment" from Mike and the bots.

Fundamentally, this movie should have been a five minute short about a bunch of hepcats in 1959. Incredibly enough, it is supposed to take place in 1969, the same year that the film was actually made, but all the cars, clothing, and mannerisms come from an earlier era. Forget about that, however. The more important issue to ponder is how they managed to get a 90 minute movie out of a five minute script. And here is our lesson for today. The art of padding.

The guy talks the gal into accompanying him to LA. The drive to LA is pretty much in real time, accompanied by some groovy hipster music. So that knocked off about 15 minutes. At one point, a bungled edit has a twosome drinking coffee together, and they mysteriously become a threesome when another guy appears out of thin air.

Then they got to the beach and drove a dune buggy, to groovy hipster musical accompaniment, in a scene completely unrelated to the rest of the plot. That killed another 10 minutes.

Then they got to LA, and did that whole "new person amazed by the sights of LA" thing to kill another five minutes. This time, instead of hipster music, they used a groovy cowboy Christmas carol.

At this point, I had to make a citizens' arrest, because we grade-b film connoisseurs all know that when you show the rubes coming to LA from the sticks, their POV shots have to include the Brown Derby, Graumann's Chinese, and the famous HOLLYWOOD sign. That is written in the United States Constitution. I mean it's not even an amendment, but it's right there in the original body of the document, right next to the paragraph that says you can't teach evolution to slaves. The framers of our great democracy were wise. So wise. 

NUDITY REPORT
none, although there are several go-go bikinis
Then our heroes went to the club where the hepcat's sister was a dancer. She was, in fact, the Gina Gershon of the troupe, and was riding so high in showbiz that she was dancing a spastic go-go number in a horror wax museum, with an audience sometimes as large as 20 members. But we all know that her rule of that lofty roost is not going to last long, because the chick from the diner has more than just stars in her eyes. She has "it", as everyone pointed out to her, and she will soon be pushing Gershon down those stairs and taking over the lead in that crazy game I like to call life. Although most people just call it "the act". But anyway, call it what you will, you just know that she's destined to take the gold boots away from the star. (Only the star wears gold. The lesser dancers wear the much-maligned silver boots as their badge of inferiority and shame) 

 Note that I rescinded my citizens' arrest at this point, because the movie did follow the b-movie convention which says that all the characters have to tell all the other characters how talented they are, because the caliber of the people working in these films is not capable of convincing us through their performances alone. The movie then shows about six or seven original groovy hipster musical numbers, some of which are repeated several times (like the title song, which was inexplicably ignored for the Best Song Oscar). That kills another 55 minutes or so. 

The songs are the kind that are made up as you go along. As if you challenged a guy at a party to make up a song about girls in gold boots, and he'd strum the only chord he knows on a nearby guitar, and he'd sing, sing, sing:

The Girls in Gold Boots

They aren't prostitutes

They aren't big galoots

They're just seeking their roots 

While wearing gold boots

and smoking cheroots

... etc.

You probably think I am kidding, Well, I did make that up, but I guarantee it is better than the actual song.

DVD info from Amazon.

  • Widescreen anamorphic, 1.78:1

  • Full-length director commentary

  • some other minor features, like a lobby card gallery
The starry-eyed chick eventually finds out that the club owner is dealing drugs, and the hepcat has become part of the racket. We find out it is May 2nd, despite the fact that the city is gaily festooned with Christmas decorations.

Then, in the last minute or two, a bunch of the guys from the club attempt a daring drug heist from a police evidence seizure. It fails, but only the baddies get in trouble. Our starry-eyed heroine ends up dancing spastically on the beach, while her "Columbia-Berkeley" hippie boyfriend strums his groovy hipster guitar songs. Although they are alone on the beach, he is inexplicably accompanied by a harmonica, then is even more inexplicably able to continue playing the guitar chords after he sets the guitar aside to kiss his sweetie.

The End.

The Critics Vote

The People Vote ...

  • With their votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters score it 1.7, 29th worst of all time. 
IMDb guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence, about like three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, about like two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, about like two stars from the critics. Films under five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film, equivalent to about one and a half stars from the critics or less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this film is an E but, needless to say, provides some bad movie value. Watch it with Mike and the bots, and I'm sure you'll like it more than I did watching it as a stand-alone.

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