Hollywood North (2003) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

I think it was Mr. Cranky, discussing another film, who pointed out that filmmakers seem to be obsessed with making films about the filmmaking process, even though nobody really cares about the fucking filmmaking process except other filmmakers.

Of course, given the number of people in the world who now consider themselves filmmakers, that still leaves a sizeable audience.

This particular one is about a successful, sensitive lawyer who quits his practice, circa 1980, to produce a Canadian film adapted from one of his favorite novels. He is able to obtain substantial financing from some private investors, provided that he can deliver some big-time Hollywood names to lend box-office appeal. He manages to persuade an aging American idol to make the film, but has to make a number of concessions to his big star in order to recruit him. The most important compromise involves throwing out the entire sensitive story, which resembled a Cuban version of To Sir With Love, and replacing it with a ludicrous action plot about an American ambassador single-handedly defending the embassy against revolutionaries in Bogota. Of course, swapping scripts will get the film made, but at the cost of selling out the beloved book, the interpretation of which was the reason our hero got into film production in the first place.

As always happens in this sort of film, everything goes wrong.

• The American leading man is nuts, his paranoia further fueled by cocaine. Sadly, this role is played very broadly, and very poorly, by the iconic British actor Alan Bates, who was to die shortly after the release of Hollywood North. His performance is completely lacking in subtlety, and he was manifestly unable even to approximate an American accent. You should avoid this movie if for no other reason than to honor Bates's memory. Rent Zorba the Greek and watch that instead, and brush a tear from your cheek when Bates delivers one of the great closing lines in film history - "Zorba, teach me to dance".

• The number two male star wants to do his own stunts, and breaks his leg.

• The leading lady insists on seducing her co-stars at any expense.

• The film is being made in Canada, and the snow storms prevent filming outdoor scenes that are supposed to be in Bogota.

• And so on.