Project: Human Weapon (2001) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

aka "Mindstorm"

This is a cheapie straight-to-vid film made in English in Eastern Europe with a couple of token Americans. It has the usual current international intrigue plot: former Commie bad guys, acting outside the auspices of their existing government, want to do evil things, and good guys on both sides must stop them. In this case, the dirty ex-Commie rats don't have any nuclear or biological weapons. Instead, they have developed Mind Control Guy, the ultimate human weapon.

Mind Control Guy is a Czech with tremendous extra-sensory gifts. He can make people do his bidding, make objects move, see things without his eyes, etc. He can make helicopters fall from the sky simply by exerting his will on the pilot.

MCG tries to flee from both sides and live a normal life, but he is eventually overwhelmed by the world's stupidest bad guys, who simply tie his hands behind his back and put him on a plane to their headquarters on Evil Island. Of course, tying him up would be useful if he were Hand Control Guy, but since he's Mind Control Guy, it's pretty ineffective. He just uses his Jedi mind control thing to tell his captors to untie him, then uses his Mind Control on the pilot to get the plane to land somewhere else.

You'd think the baddies would have drugged him or rendered him unconscious, but no-o-o-o-o-o-o-o ...

Mind Control Guy seems to have one great weakness in his great mental powers. Oh, sure he can tell every thought you're thinking and ever will think, but when he is attacked by an army of bad guys, he only becomes aware of it about one second before regular people. That means he only becomes aware of it a second before those of us in the audience without Mind Control. He senses the presence of evil, then as soon as he looks worried, plus one beat, about two thousand Evil Eastern European bad haircut guys with tanks and helicopters appear over the next hill, carrying AK-47's, wearing cheap suits, and chain-smoking cheap unfiltered cigarettes. The power of "seeing something one second before the rest of us" is really not very useful, when you get right down to it. You'd think he would have been better off shelving the Mind Control and using a little something that I like to call "hearing".

Opposing the Evil Eastern European guys in the quest for Mind Control Guy is the ultimate tough guy, Judge Reinhold.

Yup, the lovable doofus from Fast Times and Beverly Hills Cop is playing the hard-nosed Good Guy, complete with sneer and ubiquitous dangling cigarette and faux-Bogart dialogue. Joining him in the cast are about a zillion Bulgarians. The cast members, starting with the #4 credit, are listed to the right. God only knows who Reinhold talked to over dinner. Poor guy. How did he end up in this?

Speaking of the Judge, here is ol' Mr Tough Guy himself, affecting his best Belmondo impersonation. Note that cold, ironic, hard-eyed stare so typical of hardened field officers.

Oh, sure, the pursuit gets a little complicated but, fortunately for us, the progress of the good and bad guys is presented to us with the latest advanced techniques in Bulgarian filmmaking, so we can see exactly where good and evil are relative to each other. Check out the advanced CGI below, which is soon to be released as Extreme Project Human Weapon on Nintendo.

You'll notice that evil (red) might have triumphed if only it had made a left on Podkrepa instead of driving right through that dead-end into the empty lot.

You'll also notice 383rd street on the bottom of the map. They must have some big mofo'n cities in Eastern Europe, because I've lived in New York and Miami, and the street numbers stopped well short of 383. You'll also notice that streets may go either North/South (364th) or East/West (383rd), which will make it mighty difficult for you to get around when you try to recreate the adventure in your station wagon.

By the way, if you do decide to recreate this trip with your family, be advised they've now made Podkrepa a one-way.

The chase in this film is completely boring and the premise is a severe stretch on your credulity, but I did enjoy some of the location shots. They found some charming old villages and churches to film in (Bulgaria is a pretty country). Apart from that fact, I can't come up with any other reason to see it.