Ice Queen (2005) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)


The Ice Queen is a cheapozoid straight-to-vid. Unlike some non-theatrical DVDs which are shot in a widescreen format and look like real films on your TV or computer screen, The Ice Queen looks like it was filmed by your dad at a family picnic in your back yard, using his vintage 80s-era VHS camcorder. Well, it would look like that, except:  

  1. Your dad's home movies have a better narrative structure.
  2. Your yard is more interesting and sturdier than these sets.
  3. Some of the people in your family are scarier than this monster.
  4. Pretty much everyone in your family is more talented than this cast, unless you are related to Anna Nicole Smith or Carrot Top.

The Ice Queen of the title is a recently-discovered humanoid, cryogenically preserved from the Ice Age, who was being transported by a private plane. Unfortunately, the journey caused her to thaw out, whereupon she killed everyone on board and crashed the plane into a mountain. The crash didn't kill her, but it triggered an avalanche which buried a resort hotel under tons of snow, and trapped several occupants inside. That was bad enough for them, but they also had to contend with the hair-raising terror of the Ice Queen, who burrowed down into the buried hotel. As you might guess from her name, the Ice Queen's body temperature is extremely low, so she can kill modern humans by penetrating under their skin and freezing them from the inside out.

So she terrorized the hotel guests for a while. 

Then some guy pushed her into the hotel's hot tub and she melted.

The end.

That's really what happened. Honest.



  • audio commentary
  • "behind the scenes" featurette
  • full screen only



Jennifer Hill shows her augmented breasts in a hot tub seduction scene.

The Critics Vote ...

  • No major reviews online

The People Vote ...

  • IMDB summary. IMDb voters score it 7.7/10, but that is based on a whopping eighteen votes with an actual arithmetic mean of 5.9. It suppose it will eventually settle into the 3.5-4.5 range.
The meaning of the IMDb score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics, or a C- from our system. Films rated below five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one and a half stars from the critics or a D on our scale. (Possibly even less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. (C+ means it has no crossover appeal, but will be considered excellent by genre fans, while C- indicates that it we found it to be a poor movie although genre addicts find it watchable). D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well. Any film rated C- or better is recommended for fans of that type of film. Any film rated B- or better is recommended for just about anyone. We don't score films below C- that often, because we like movies and we think that most of them have at least a solid niche audience. Now that you know that, you should have serious reservations about any movie below C-.

Based on this description, it's an E. Completely amateurish in every way. The acting is bad. The plot is drivel. The cinematography is home movie quality. The "suspension of disbelief" rules are inconsistent. Even the nudity is spoiled by an unfortunate boob job on an otherwise pretty girl.

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