Jason X (Friday the Thirteenth, Part X) (2001) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

As I was watching this film, Elya walked by and asked me about something that was happening on the screen.

I'm afraid I was a bit rude to her, because I was offended that she thought I would actually be paying attention.

I've done some things in my life I regret, some stupid things. I guess we all have. But I'm proud to say that one thing I have never done at any time is to pay attention to a Jason movie.

I can't review this because I don't have any idea what it was about. Oh, I watched the entire thing. I never even touched the fast forward button. After five minutes, my mind was wandering to my list of things to do, phone calls I should make. A few minutes later, I was going through some magazines while ol' Jason was in the background.

I know that the story takes place in 2455. Jason is defrosted from some cryogenic thing, along with someone else from the 21st century (Lexa Doig). Jason kills a bunch of outer space teenagers who are trying to have sex instead of doing their official spaceshipy duties. A bunch of people feel that the best way to catch Jason is to split up and walk through dark places alone, as per the genre convention. Eventually they throw Jason in the holodeck and he's back in the 1980's at Crystal Lake. I think that they finally shot him into deep space or something at the end.

I guess you've figured out by now that Jason X is not a white guy who has converted to the Nation of Islam, but the tenth avatar of that kid from the bottom of the lake at summer camp. He's been regenerated into Uber-Jason by some 25th century technology, and has a spiffy new costume and bulging muscles, so he now looks like a Marvel Comics villain instead of his old self.

I don't think I can improve on Roger Ebert's review. Here's how he started it.

This sucks on so many levels.
--Dialogue from "Jason X"

Or, as Alien might have put it - "in space, no one can hear you suck".

The special effects in this film are so poor that the F/X guys are jealous of those Marionation shows from the 60's, like Fireball XL-5 and Supercar.

Dr. Who and Dark Shadows look like Lord of the Rings compared to this movie.

The only thing redeeming the film, and that only slightly, was a jokey, self-deprecating awareness of its own suckitute. And that just wasn't enough.