Kill Cruise

Ah, yes, the kill cruise. It's a pretty popular themed cruise now on Norwegian Cruise Lines. I think the celebrity cruise is still number one, then the sports cruise, then the kill cruise. You see, one of your fellow passengers is a serial killer, and you have to find the right one before everyone on the ship is dead.

The cruise line likes the business, but they don't get that many repeat customers.

"Death, exciting and new. Come on board, we're expecting you. Welcome aboard, it's death ... death .... death ...."

I'm just fokkin' witcha. All of that has nothing to do with this movie, which is also called The Storm and Der Skipper. Patsy Kensit and Liz Hurley play two working class English floozies drifting around in Gibraltar, making a subsistence living with a cheesy nightclub act. They want to go to the West Indies, and they end up falling in with a drunken German sailor who owns his own yacht. The crusty old Teutonic sea salt has been unable to sail since a trip which caused some people to die with him at the helm, but Patsy and Liz have no problem persuading him to take them to Barbados.

The last 80 minutes of the film is simply the three of them on the ship. Pretty much nothing happens for about 78 of those 80 minutes. There is a bit of misdirection. We see the captain's needles and wonder if he is a junkie. It turns out he is simply a diabetic. We think Patsy is crazy with jealousy, and may be psychotic. It turns out that she's just afraid of being left alone when the Cap'n predictably falls head over heels for Elizabeth Hurley. Hurley seems to be simply an innocent caught between these two monsters.

SPOILER

The last two minutes present an absolutely silly resolution to the situation. Completely out of left field, unexpectedly and for no reason, Hurley kills the captain, then smothers Kensit with a pillow when she protests.

Then we see a word caption that says, "The boat drifted into port three weeks later. It was deserted."

The frigging end.

END SPOILER

The sailor is played by Jurgen Prochnow. He's obviously had the ocean-going experience. Remember him in Das Boot? Elizabeth Hurley does a surprisingly good job in this film. She's much looser and more animated than usual, and performs with a reasonably consistent working class accent. Unfortunately her nudity isn't even visible without freeze-frame, and the DVD is so weak that it isn't even that visible with freeze-frame.

NUDITY REPORT

Elizabeth Hurley does a striptease in which her breast can be seen very briefly with a freeze-frame.

She is also seen on board in a man's shirt with no bra beneath, and her breast pops out a couple of times.

The Critics Vote

no reviews online

The People Vote ...

With their votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters overrate it 4.8/10

IMDb guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence, about like three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, about like two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, about like two stars from the critics. Films under five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film, equivalent to about one and a half stars from the critics or less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this film is an F. I hated it.