Love Bites (2000) from Tuna

I guess you regular readers know that I've never had anything much good to say about a vampire film and, by golly, this is no time to start.

In this one, the vampires have virtually no ability to trap and kill their prey. Ol' Bela Lugosi would just kind of look women in the eye and hypnotize them to do his bidding, but these vamps have to use a date rape drug. Then after they slip their date a Mickey Finn, they don't have the strength to kill with their teeth, so they use knives. Sometimes they bypass the entire vampire ritual and just start gunfights, or just hang around gunfights, and eat those left on the battlefield. 


Asia Argento shows her buns in a sex scene. (In which she multiplies herself!)
I think one of them even opens up a pizza franchise which substitutes blood for tomato sauce.

Asia Argento was born to play a vampire. My mom always said if you're going to do something, do it better than anyone. And by God, Asia is not just regular ol' Eurotrash, but the absolute all-time queen of Eurotrash.

She thinks Tommy Lee is a classy guy - and a little light on the tattoos. 

no DVD info yet

In addition to her giant distinctive tats in her most intimate areas, she has never been within five miles of a gym, and has probably never been out during the day. Come to think of it, would you be at all surprised if she really was a vampire? 

The Critics Vote

  • no English reviews online

The People Vote ...

  • With their votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters score it 6.6 
IMDb guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence, about like three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, about like two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, about like two stars from the critics. Films under five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film, equivalent to about one and a half stars from the critics or less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this film is a C-. Gimmicky gangster-vampire film

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