Mr Dark's comments on
Enjoyed the commentary on
Malefic. I caught the name of the shapely Miss DuVerger as familiar,
sure enough it was the exceptionally hot vampire chick from a little
slice of cinematic excrement called Cremains. As I suspected,
Cremains comes from the same talentless schmuck as Malefic, a fellow
named Steve Sessions.
I rented Cremains from Netflix awhile back because I'd read some
site that actually recommended it as a smart, low-budget anthology
with lots of gore and violence. It's an anthology. That's about the
only accurate statement in that description.
In a nutshell, you have a crooked funeral home director being
interviews in a '3rd degree' type situation by an offscreen
male and female, bright light shining in his face. Apparently he's
been burning folks in the crematory two at a time to save
costs. During this questioning he tells some tales he's heard. This
is the anthology part. The problem is, this chucklehead couldn't
even come up with 15 decent minutes of story at a time,
nevertheless four or five different tales. The acting is atrocious,
the film making is bizarre in just how perfectly awful it
is...it's just an MST3K wet dream. I can only imagine how bad
Malefic is, considering it's over an hour of one story. At
least with Cremains, the boring stretches of DVD hell only last for
10-15 minutes at a time.
I've said all that to say this: ONE segment of Cremains was
passable. It featured a woman whose friend had recently been having
dreams of being visited by a lesbian vampire, as written in a novel
the woman enjoyed. Eventually, she's found dead, blood drained. The
woman starts having similar dreams, but with her dead friend being
the lesbian vampire. She investigates the author, coming up empty,
but in her hotel that night the dead lesbian vampire friend
visits again and this time our heroine doesn't survive the
The lesbian vampire friend is played by the curvy Dawn DuVerger from
Malefic. She shows up in a completely see-through nighty thing, but
that's quickly doffed. Before long, she's snogging away at the neck
of her friend, naked as a jaybird. The scene actually manages to
generate a little heat before the friend snaps out of it and tries
to escape. Then there's lots more naked Dawn, this time covered in
her friend's blood, as they have a little tussle ending in our
The interesting thing here isn't so much this sequence, even though
the nudity is fairly hot. There's a 'making of' this scene on the
DVD and it's every square inch of footage shot with the naked Dawn
DuVerger. Well, every square inch they can put on DVD. You see,
the scene is filmed in a hotel room. The heroine is played by the
director's wife/girlfriend/whatever. There are several interesting
cuts in this 'making of' section, where clothes suddenly
disappear, bedsheets are suddenly tussled...I get the sneaking
suspicion that this scene went places that didn't wind up on the
cutting room floor, but rather in the director's private collection.
Anyway, just wanted to say that Cremains is just as terrible as
Malefic sounds, or worse, but damn...there is a LOT of yummy naked
lesbo vamping going on in the film and especially that 'making of'
feature. I'd rather have my balls sheared off by a weed whacker
than watch Cremains ever, ever again, but it might make for an
interesting project if one of you gents is up for some Steve
Sessions pain. (One also wonders if his other three or four films
feature the same formula of nudity and terrible film making?)
Critics Vote ...
|The meaning of the IMDb
score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of
excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars
from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm
watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars
from the critics. The fives are generally not
worthwhile unless they are really your kind of
material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics,
or a C- from our system.
Films rated below five are generally awful even if you
like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one
and a half stars from the critics or a D on our scale. (Possibly even less,
depending on just how far below five the rating
A means the movie is so good it
will appeal to you even if you hate the genre.
B means the movie is not
good enough to win you over if you hate the
genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an
open mind about this type of film.
C means it will only
appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover
appeal. (C+ means it has no crossover appeal, but
will be considered excellent by genre fans, while
C- indicates that it we found it to
be a poor movie although genre addicts find it watchable).
D means you'll hate it even if you
like the genre.
means that you'll hate it even if
you love the genre.
means that the film is not only
unappealing across-the-board, but technically
inept as well. Any film rated C- or better is recommended for
fans of that type of film. Any film rated B- or better is
recommended for just about anyone. We don't score films below C-
that often, because we like movies and we think that most of
them have at least a solid niche audience. Now that you know
that, you should have serious reservations about any movie below
Based on this description,
Malefic is an F. Cremains is in the same