Mari-Cookie and the Killer Tarantula in Eight Legs to Love You (1998) from Tuna

Mari-Cookie takes place in Malaga, Spain, although we must go back 200 years for the start of the story. A pregnant woman is brutally raped by a soldier, and, while she is lying there, exhausted and still spread-legged, a tarantula finds a great warm, moist place to lay eggs. Cut to present day, and someone is abducting young men and women. A female cop (Michelle Bauer), who interrogates witnesses with advanced lesbotronic techniques, suspects "The Tarantula," although she doesn't know who that is. Society woman Linnea Quigley is no help, nor is Mari-Cookie, played by Lena Romay. We know that Lena is also a club owner and also performs as "Tarantula." (This is a farce, and was clearly intended to be so.) Eventually, with an assist from Quigley's horny daughter (Amber Newman), they all discover the truth.

Lena Romay, the director's girlfriend and then at least 44 years old and out of shape, plays a dual role and gets the lion's share of the screen time as well as the nudity. Mavi Tiendo serves as a victim. Analia Ivars dances in another club and her character shares the cop's sexual tendencies. Many of you have already already guessed that we are in Jess Franco territory. Many people claim to love making movies. With Jess, it is literally his life. The thing is, it is only important to Jess that he is making a movie. He is not concerned about public acceptance, and only moderately concerned about whether or not it is any good, although he is capable of excellent achievements and has pioneered some effects. 

IMDb readers say 3.4. I would imagine they found it stupid and pointless with a throw-away plot and bad dubbing. True enough, but if they are going to let little things like that bother them, they have no business watching a Jess Franco film! Although this film is not one of those his excellent achievements I mentioned, Franco still manages to create some entertainment. He gets a lot of women undressed and he and his band even provide the sound track. If you are looking for plot, pace, symbolism and the like, look elsewhere. If you want to laugh a lot at mature naked women in ridiculous situations, give this one a try.

 

DVD INFO

  • Full-screen transfer
  • Behind-the-scenes footage with optional nude commentary by Linnea Quigley
  • photo gallery
  • Les Psycholettes film short

NUDITY REPORT

  • Lena Romay - everything including gyno-cam

  • Analia Ivars - everything including legs partly open

  • Michelle Bauer - breasts

  • Amber Newman - breasts, bum

  • Mavi Tienda - everything

  • Linnea Quigley - nothing in the film, but she got naked for a DVD commentary!

The Critics Vote ...

 

The People Vote ...

The meaning of the IMDb score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics, or a C- from our system. Films rated below five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one and a half stars from the critics or a D on our scale. (Possibly even less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

Our own guideline:

  • A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre.
  • B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. Any film rated B- or better is recommended for just about anyone. In order to rate at least a B-, a film should be both a critical and commercial success. Exceptions: (1) We will occasionally rate a film B- with good popular acceptance and bad reviews, if we believe the critics have severely underrated a film. (2) We may also assign a B- or better to a well-reviewed film which did not do well at the box office if we feel that the fault lay in the marketing of the film, and that the film might have been a hit if people had known about it. (Like, for example, The Waterdance.)
  • C+ means it has no crossover appeal, but will be considered excellent by people who enjoy this kind of movie. If this is your kind of movie, a C+ and an A are indistinguishable to you.
  • C means it is competent, but uninspired genre fare. People who like this kind of movie will think it satisfactory. Others probably will not.
  • C- indicates that it we found it to be a poor movie, but genre addicts find it watchable. Any film rated C- or better is recommended for fans of that type of film, but films with this rating should be approached with caution by mainstream audiences, who may find them incompetent or repulsive or both. If this is NOT your kind of movie, a C- and an E are indistinguishable to you.
  • D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. We don't score films below C- that often, because we like movies and we think that most of them have at least a solid niche audience. Now that you know that, you should have serious reservations about any movie below C-. Films rated below C- generally have both bad reviews and poor popular acceptance.
  • E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre.
  • F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

 

Based on this description, this film is a C, if what you seek is a nudie comedy with semi-famous women, this meets your needs.

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