Mother and Son (1997) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

Well you boys are history. There is a new champion in town, and his name is "Mother and Son"

It has all the worst elements of Northern European filmmaking. It is filled with gravitas and self-pity. The dialogue is self-consciously meaningful. The acting is exaggerated and hammy. The pacing is -- I can't say slow because merely slow movies seem like that first scene of "Roger Rabbit" compared to this. At one point I stopped to see if my DVD player was broken because nothing was moving - and it was in 8x speed at the time, working perfectly.

Here's what happens. A mother is dying in bed. Her son comes in and asks her if she wants to go for a walk. She does, and he carries her outside for a while, then carries her back inside. He sets her on her bed, goes out for a walk on his own, stands in a field and watches a train go by, returns to his house to find his mother dead in bed.

The end. About 50 words of dialogue in the entire movie. Maybe a half dozen different camera set-ups. Virtually no sound.

Oh, and I should mention that most of the scenes are filmed through distortion techniques - colored or curved glass or maybe special lenses, that make the film seem like it is being shown in the wrong aspect ratio with the colors desaturated.

On the other hand, if you could enjoy looking at a single painting for 73 minutes, provided that the painting changes very, very slowly, then this is your Holy Grail.

Provided you don't mind the fact that it is a mediocre and distorted painting to begin with.