Vampires: Out for Blood (2004) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)
Kevin Dillon stars in this straight-to-vid offering
as a cop who has developed some major problems with drinking and anger management
following his divorce. He is
gradually becoming unhinged and has even been reduced to stalking
his ex (Vanessa Angel).
So what does that have to do with vampires?
Knowing that Dillon is a walking time bomb, the police captain (Lance Hendrikson) gives his man the "one last chance" speech and assigns him to schoolyard traffic and missing persons, hoping to keep him out of trouble and free of stress until he returns to emotional stability. Unfortunately, the missing persons department turns out to be the center of action, when people start disappearing in record numbers. Instead of handling a boring caseload of runaway teens, Dillon finds himself in a world of raves and orgies which is used by a band of vampires to lure their prey. These bloodsuckers are not your basic bat-centric, old-fashioned tuxedoed vampires, but rather some fast-moving cyberpunk vampires who speak with enhanced voices and look like villains from the original 1960s version of Star Trek (right).
Dillon's where he himself is bitten by the head vampire and immediately starts to turn into a fanged beast.
As it turns out, Dillon's mad descent into
Vampireland is just the romantic spark he needs in his relationship
with his ex, who just happens to be the world's foremost expert on
vampires that look like Star Trek villains. Together
they team up to battle through all the satellite vampires until they
finally come face to face with the Big Cheese. They are just about
to kill the all-powerful 700 year old monster when they discover a
very important chapter in the Big Book of Grade-B Movie Vampire
Lore. Chapter 23 states that when the Head Kahuna Vampire dies,
everyone in his pack dies with him except for the one who kills him.
This chapter becomes a critical plot element toward the end of the
hunt, because by then both Dillon and his ex have been bitten by the
Big Bat. Therefore, if Dillon kills the Senior Sucker, his ex must
die as well.
I did learn from this film than Vampire Films fall
into a distinct sub classification of Scoopy's Movie Candle Rule,
which states that all movie candles must be lit at all times, even
if they are in underground caves which have been hidden from humans
for hundreds of years. If the female romantic lead invites her male
counterpart over for a romantic bath, the tub will be surrounded by
hundreds, even thousands of candles, all of them lit. Given the
amount of time required to keep these candles maintained, I have
theorized that movie characters must include an altar boy in their
At any rate, the vampire extension of this rule states that: (1) Vampires never use those short, squatty candles that you see in restaurants. (2) In vampire candle arrangements, all candles are precisely the same length and appear to be brand new. They never have any messy wax drippings, no matter how long they have been burning. I have concluded that movie vampires have either managed to find a dependable source of long-burning no-drip candles, or they employ a shitload of altar boys.
|Although I have read and re-read every chapter of that book of vampire lore, I have never been able to understand why vampires are unable to use simple electric lights. They could really cut back on the altar boy staff if they would just ditch the candles and pick up some Sylvania long life bulbs from a 24 hour Wal-Mart. Not only would they save money, but this would have an additional advantage for them. When Van Helsing shows up and they need to escape in the cover of absolute darkness, they could make the entire castle dark by flicking a single switch rather than having those altar boys roam through the castle with those unwieldy candle-snuffers.|
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