Paradise Lost

This is a brilliant adaptation of Milton's epic poem, starring Marina Sirtis.

As the baritone says in the trailer, "Counselor Troi IS Satan."

I'm kidding. Milton had nothing to do with this.

It is really a no-budget eco-parable. And when I say there was no budget, I'm not kidding. They show a crop-spraying plane flying far overhead, then they show two people from the waist up, dusting themselves off, apparently shaking off the crop spray. We know this because they tell us, with witty dialogue like, "What about that pesky crop spray, eh? Here, let's shake it off." The production values are exactly the same as those mid-1970s kid's dramas like Mighty Isis, Electra Woman, and Shazam.

William Forsythe plays a mega-developer who wants to place the world's greatest resort in the middle of the jungle. His plan is to spray a super-duper new defoliant which will instantly clear the jungle. Marina Sirtis plays a biologist/archeologist/chemist/physicist/physician, Mrs. Wizard, who is working in the jungle studying ... um ... important jungle stuff that involves microscopes and Bunsen burners and numbers scrolling on computer screens. She has an inquisitive little kid who hangs around and asks her questions ("Gee, Mrs. Wizard ..."), and that is the clumsy way in which the script handles off-camera exposition and pseudo-scientific explanations.

Marina teaches Forsythe that progress is bad, and that we would all be happy if we could just hold hands and sing that "teach the world" Coke song, except without the Coke, and live in harmony with nature as the Toltecs did ... well, at least until nature kicked their asses and made them disappear forever.

And while she's at it, Marina also teaches Forsythe to love.

And what happened then? Well, in Whoville they say ... ... that Forsythe's small heart grew three sizes that day.

The love part gave the movie its only redeeming feature - Counselor Troi's bare chest. She had exposed the girls in several movies way back before she got the Star Trek job, but this is the only time she exposed her breasts on film after playing Counselor Troi, and the only time she did a nude scene as a mature woman. She went 14 years in between topless scenes, making Death Wish 3 when she was 30 and this movie when she was 44. In addition to her grainy, dark topless scene (which is further marred by the fact that she is in motion), she also has a lot of screen time standing still in a white t-shirt, and those scenes were shot outside in sunlight.

Anyway ...

Did I mention that the film also has some silly looking monsters that are about half human, and they are always shown in shadow, holding their hands aloft to look more impressive. Actually, that's not completely true. There are also some close-ups of their eyes, with maybe a single tear, like that Native American in the famous public service ad. Well, anyway, it turns out that they are not monsters at all and that their DNA is quite a bit closer to human than William Forsythe's. You see the moral, kids? If the evil Forsythe had gone ahead with his project, he would have destroyed an entire unknown species - people who are just like us, except hairy and scary, like your Uncle Mike after he has too many drinks at your family's Fourth of July beach party. Would you like William Forsythe to kill your Uncle Mike? Hell, no! He gave you twenty bucks for your birthday one year, and he once showed you his Playboy collection.

Not to mention, as Counselor Troi reminds us, Forsythe might also have destroyed that elusive plant she has been looking for - the one which might cure cancer, AIDS, and Republicanism.

If you take away Marina's topless scene, the film is really just a preachy, G-rated episode of Mighty Isis without the superpowers. Think about it. It looks like it was shot on video tape; there's a female archeologist; a kid is around to ask her questions; science and respect are being taught though the plot; the special effects consist of shaking the camera a little (at best); and an important moral lesson is learned at the end.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Now that I think about it, if Joanna Cameron had taken off her top once in a while, Mighty Isis would have been pretty cool.

This movie, however, is not.

The Critics Vote ...

No reviews online.

The People Vote ...

IMDB summary. IMDb voters score it 4.5/10. This score is outrageously high. It is hard to imagine how this film could be much worse. It is not even at a professional level.

The meaning of the IMDb score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics, or a C- from our system. Films rated below five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one and a half stars from the critics or a D on our scale. (Possibly even less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. (C+ means it has no crossover appeal, but will be considered excellent by genre fans, while C- indicates that it we found it to be a poor movie although genre addicts find it watchable). D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well. Any film rated C- or better is recommended for fans of that type of film. Any film rated B- or better is recommended for just about anyone. We don't score films below C- that often, because we like movies and we think that most of them have at least a solid niche audience. Now that you know that, you should have serious reservations about any movie below C-.

Based on this description, this is an F. This movie is just awful in every way, but it is an awful movie with Marina Sirtis's bare breasts, if that is your thing.