Picasso Trigger (1988) from Tuna

I always thought Picasso Trigger was the expensive painting above Roy Rogers' mantel.

I have found over the years that there are two filmmakers whose plots make no sense at all to me: filmdom's much-revered Michelangelo Antonioni and much-maligned Andy Sidaris. Those two men appear to have absolutely nothing in common except a mutual incapacity for rational thought. I'd love to hear a conversation between them, although I don't know if they have a common language. Having heard both of them speak English, I'm pretty sure that won't work.

Of course, in Sidaris' movies the plot is defined as "some random words spoken to justify the next topless scene", so the discontinuity isn't really germane to your viewing pleasure. You're probably not watching a Sidaris movie for the intricacies and nuances of the script. You're watching because seven different ex-Playmates are in this film (see the Stomp Tokyo article for the straight skinny on which women, which issues).

To me, the greatest weakness in Sidaris' films is that he didn't make them comedies. Well, at least not intentionally. I think they'd play out much better if they didn't take themselves so seriously as pseudo-Bond films.

Picasso Trigger is rated a dismal 3.42 at IMDb, and that makes it one of Sidaris' better films! Pretty darned impressive, eh? Andy is down there with John Derek and Ed Wood. IMDB doesn't seem to have many breast-lovers in its constituency.

Here's a list of the Sidaris films with enough votes to qualify for a rating

1. (5.19) - Seven (1979)
2. (3.87) - Malibu Express (1985)
3. (3.75) - Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)
4. (3.42) - Picasso Trigger (1988)
5. (3.30) - L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to Savage Beach (1998)
6. (3.26) - Hard Hunted (1992)
7. (3.23) - Day of the Warrior (1996)
8. (3.19) - Do or Die (1991)
9. (3.04) - Guns (1990)

Here's Ed Wood's list

1. (3.68) - Jail Bait (1954)
2. (3.55) - Sinister Urge, The (1961)
3. (3.33) - Night of the Ghouls (1959)
4. (3.31) - Plan 9 from Outer Space (1958)
5. (3.26) - Glen or Glenda (1953)
6. (3.22) - Bride of the Monster (1956)

Here's John Derek's

1. (3.06) - Tarzan, the Ape Man (1981)
2. (2.86) - Bolero (1984)
3. (2.50) - Ghosts Can't Do It (1990)

As you can see, Sidaris directed five movies rated lower than Plan 9 from Outer Space, which is often cited as the worst movie ever made. Of course, Derek still has the crown. For John Derek, the sterling quality of Plan 9 was just an impossible dream.

How did that 5.19 for "Seven" get on Sidaris' list?

In fact, Sidaris' "Seven" is rather famous in a way. Do you remember the great scene in Raiders, in which the martial arts guy expertly twirls his swords for a minute, then Indy looks at him as if to say "I ain't got time for this shit", and shoots him dead? Sidaris used that same scene in "Seven" - several years earlier. Perhaps the dates haven't sunk in for you, but "Seven" was made in 1979, when about three households in America had a VCR. He actually expected people to go to the theaters for that one.