Possessed (2000) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

The Blatty novel The Exorcist was based loosely on this case, and therefore so too was the film version of that story, which became a smash hit in the early 70's. This new Showtime movie is (in theory) a docudrama version of the exact same incident, similar in certain ways to the Exorcist, but using the real names and places from the post-war era, except for the name of the child, which has never been revealed.

Timothy Dalton plays the exorcist. Bond, Father Bond, the only priest who sends back the wine.

No, that was a cheap joke. Dalton actually ripped this performance directly out of the page of the Richard Burton hard-livin', hard-cussin' alcoholic priest in Night of the Iguana, or maybe the Richard Burton performance in Exorcist 2.

Now that I think about it, Richard Burton acted like a drunken fallen priest in every movie.

Now that I think about it still more, that wasn't acting.

Well, with Dalton I'm pretty sure it is acting, and it's pretty darned lame - bellowing and talking in 90's slang. "OK, Beelzebub, fasten your seat belt. You want a piece of me, motherfucker. C'mon".

I'm not kidding. Sadly enough, Father Bond actually said that stuff.

On another subject, I've noticed that Satan has sure become a wimp in the last few milennia.

Instead of having some little kid throw up on some priests in a secret ceremony, wouldn't he possess the President and have him throw up on the lap of the Japanese minister? Or wouldn't he make the President lie in public so that all our children would see it as a model for behavior?

Or maybe he'd be even more modern, and possess the soul of a prominent webmaster, a simple man who once only hoped to use the Web to deliver the word of the Lord, but now uses his pulpit, under the influence of Satan, to make people look at naked stars and question all that we should hold dear, like the President and Bill Shatner.

Hey, wait a minute, I got carried away there. Let me point out that neither Bill Clinton nor I appear to be actually possessed by any major evil spirits. Hillary - that's another matter. Telekinetic ashtray movement is one of the seven danger signs. But, I doubt it. Hillary's too tough.

Satan is such a wuss now that he goes after friggin' Opie.

Anyway, to cure Opie, they summon the power of the Lord, in the awesome majesty of an insane asylum, which is a actually a ward in a hospital run by holy monks. When they begin the exorcism, the lights begin to flicker and a lightning storm appears outside. Yup, really true to the facts, I'm sure. I'm not making any of this up. Did I mention that the kid's mom and dad came to the exorcism and wore their Sunday goin'-to-meetin' duds. Well, you think Miss Manners has any columns about the proper attire for an Exorcism. (I know ghosts shouldn't wear a spooky white shroud after labor day.)

Christopher Plummer is the bishop who advises the priests not to do any rash exorcisms, therein summoning up the image of Joe Santos or Lieutenant Trench trying to keep their hotheaded rogue young cops and ex-cops in line. I expected Plummer to shout "McCloud!" at any time.