Private Resort

Private Resort (1985) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

Scoop's notes

1982-86 was the Golden Age of raunchy youth-oriented comedies. Tame films and daring. Everything from "coming of age" to "slobs versus snobs" to "Spring break" movies. There was Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Risky Business, Revenge of the Nerds, Losin' It, Ferris Buehler's Day Off, Porky's, Better off Dead, and more. I like to think of it as the Curtis Armstrong Age because ol' Curtis was always the eccentric compadre of Our Hero. In addition to his career-defining role as Booger in four different Revenge of the Nerds movies, he was Cruise's trusty companion in Risky Business, and he was also Cusack's comical sidekick in two different youth-oriented comedies, Better Off Dead and One Crazy Summer.

(If you're reading this, you rule, Booger!)

Tuna and I both enjoy this genre, but we disagree on this one. He likes Private Resort (see below) and I don't like this film very much at all. Some of the scenes flow smoothly and are fairly funny, but others fall completely flat and are just plain dumb. The humor is exactly at the level of The Love Boat. In fact, this is essentially a Love Boat script. Two guys go on a vacation hoping to hook up with chicks. The only real differences between this film and an episode of Love Boat is that this resort is on dry land instead of floating on the ocean, and this particular episode has breasts and bums. I'm not opposed to that in principal. I have to admit that I would have watched The Love Boat if it had included nude scenes, so I can see how Private Resort could be an easy watch for some, and it probably should have been for me based solely on the film's description, but I kept looking at the timer on the DVD, just as I used to watch the odometer of my parents' car on long trips, wondering when it would be over.

Besides the broad and completely predictable slapstick humor, there are some other things I disliked.

First, there are pieces missing. Obviously this was once a much longer film that was edited down to 82 minutes. Some characters have relationships which must have been developed in missing scenes. Other scenes just seem to be missing connections between them. Here are some examples:

The boys are there for the weekend, so every evening is precious. The first night the guys are talking in the bar. BAM. Cut to the next day. What??? What did they do in their first night in the resort, and why don't they talk about it?

Later, Johnny Depp goes up to a mischievous little kid and calls him by name. How could he know that?

The persnickety house detective seems uncharacteristically to allow significant latitude in the behavior of the kid. They obviously have some relationship. What is it?

Morrow in drag is heading off to be in a fashion show with the bad guy behind him. Two seconds later, he's still in drag and the bad guy is following him through the hotel corridors. What happened to the fashion show? If he walked off and did not participate in that show, why isn't the baddie suspicious?

Second, there is no character development at all. Johnny Depp and Rob Morrow are seen arriving in a resort. How old are they? Are they working guys who saved years for this trip? Are they students on Spring break? Are they good guys or scumbags? Cool guys or douchebags? How did they get there? Why are they together? Are they lifelong pals or just guys who met in a bar? Where did they come from? The ambiguity of the film is illustrated by the fact that Tuna refers to them below as "two teenage boys staying at an exclusive resort," and the DVD box says the same thing, but I didn't see any reason to think they were teenagers. I figured they were about the age of college seniors or older. And I didn't see how they could be staying at an exclusive private resort in the first place. Are they rich? Apparently not. They order a beer because they can't afford cocktails. But then how did they afford the resort in the first place? Everything just starts in the middle, info is missing, and I feel stranded.

Third, some of the scenes and ideas are just not funny to me. Morrow is planning to get laid by using date rape drugs, for example. (Granted it is kinda funny when the Quaaludes intended for his uptight date end up being taken by her granny, who mistakes them for aspirin.) At another point, the baddie sprays the entire resort with M-16 fire during the lunch buffet. That doesn't seem appropriate for this type of movie. OK, custard pies - fine, but machine gun fire? Up until that point (it's at the end of the movie), the film had been strictly faithful to the Love Boat level of glibness. Then, all of a sudden, one of the passengers is riddling Doc and Gopher with machine gun bullets!

Fourth, the best films of this genre take place in something very close to the real world, and are populated with characters we know in situations we can imagine. This one has no real multi-dimensional characters and places its cardboard undeveloped characters in generally unbelievable situations. It's not really possible to relate to the characters or their predicaments. It's strictly farce. It represents two kids at a resort in the same sense that F Troop reflects the true relationship between the U.S. Army and the Native American populations.

Fifth - no full frontal nudity. 'Nuff said. If you're gonna do a sex comedy, do a GOOD sex comedy, and don't skimp on the nudity.

There were also some elements that were surprisingly interesting:

Not many of these youth-oriented sex comedies feature a multiple Oscar nominee in the lead. There are times when Depp delivers his lines so credibly and so sincerely that he makes you forget you're watching a shallow, unbelievable movie.

In the middle of the obvious stuff there are a couple of incredibly obscure jokes. The baddie pretends to be a count named Repulski with a long list of first and middle names, but he tells the "mark" to call him "Rip." You have to be a big baseball fan to catch the reference to a particular St. Louis Cardinal from the early 1950s. Outfielder Rip Repulski and third baseman Jabbo Jablonski, two solid everyday players, often batted consecutively for the Cards in 1953-54, and were always abbreviated as R'ski and J'ski in the box scores of the day. What can you say? The Cardinals were into Polish players. There were others besides those two, the most famous of whom was the great star Stan Musial.

Well, of course, there is some nice nudity for us guys, and I suspect that women and gay guys will not find it difficult to look at Johnny Depp and Rob Morrow naked.

In general, this one is strictly for those who will watch any youth sex comedy. Private Resort was one of the very minor entries in the genre during its Golden Age and I can't even remember the film ever having been in theaters. It actually grossed a mere $330,000 in May of 1985. Tri-Star basically gave up on it, and it got stuck on their release schedule between The Last Dragon and Rambo, thus assuring that it would be virtually unpromoted. Pauline Kael never reviewed it. If Roger Ebert reviewed it, it has now been deleted from his database.

On the other hand, given Depp's presence, I don't understand Tri-Star's decision to issue this as a bare-bones DVD. There is a respectable widescreen anamorphic transfer, but not one feature of any kind - not even a "splash" page for the main menu. When you boot up this DVD you see a simple text page with the choices for audio and sub-titles and a "play movie" link!!! I guess if Depp hadn't been in it, it would never have come to DVD at all.

DVD INFO

No features at all
The widescreen transfer is anamorphically enhanced, and is inconsistent

NUDITY REPORT

Leslie Easterbrook - nude beneath a transparent negligee
Vickie Benson - breasts, buns, and a hint of pubes
Hilary Shapiro - breasts and buns
Johnny Depp - buns
Rob Morrow - buns
Several unknown females - breasts and buns

Tuna's notes

Private Resort is about two teenage boys (Johnny Depp in his second movie, Rob Morrow in his first) staying at an exclusive private Florida resort for the weekend. Depp wants to get laid, Morrow wants to find true love. Neither counts on jewel thieves, over-zealous house detectives, Nazi hotel barbers, a cock-teasing Baba Rama Yama worshiper, Andrew Dice Clay as a womanizing Alpha male and various other misadventures.

Morrow falls instantly in love with waitress Emily Longstreth. In Depp's attempt to get lucky, he gets Morrow into one scrape after another. Hector Elizondo plays "The Maestro," a man who charms wealthy widows and then robs them. In this case, Dody Goodman is his target. She proves to be all he can handle with her kung fu skills and a liberal supply of Quaaludes. She is the grandmother of Hilary Shapiro (the Baba Yaba Rana girl), and the designated sexpot, Karyn O'Bryan. Also watch for Christopher Wynne as a Spicoli character.

Much of the humor is physical. In one scene, an ugly woman is convinced that the house detective is about to molest her, so she sics her two small, yappy dogs on him. That, in itself, is funny, but when he snaps them with a used condom, it gets me rolling on the floor every time. In fact, the first time I saw this film, without benefit of expert critics telling me how bad it was, I laughed so hard it took 10 minutes to recover enough to to rewind the tape and watch it again the same night.

In terms of nudity, it is T & A from Hilary Shapiro, Leslie Easterbrook and Vickie Benson, breasts and/or buns from several unknowns, and a long bra and panties scene with Lisa London.

I recall seeing a Siskel/Ebert episode where they were decrying the glut of bad teen sex movies where the adults were stupid and the kids knew everything. They were specifically talking about Breakfast Club, Secret Admirer and Sixteen Candles. Given my opinion of those three films, it is not at all surprising that I also disagree with them on Private Resort. In fact, critics should not even attempt to review genres they hate. Teen sex comedies are my sort of film. This one, for me, ranks right up there with Hot Dog - The Movie, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Secret Admirer, Porky's, and several others. It has an excellent cast, lots of nudity, Rob Morrow in drag, what I found to be hilarious comedy timing, and believable motives from all of the characters.

The Critics Vote ...

No major reviews online

The People Vote ...

IMDB summary. IMDb voters score it 4.2/10, but it scores well with kids under 18.

The meaning of the IMDb score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics, or a C- from our system. Films rated below five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one and a half stars from the critics or a D on our scale. (Possibly even less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

Our own guideline:

A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre.
B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. Any film rated B- or better is recommended for just about anyone. In order to rate at least a B-, a film should be both a critical and commercial success. Exceptions: (1) We will occasionally rate a film B- with good popular acceptance and bad reviews, if we believe the critics have severely underrated a film. (2) We may also assign a B- or better to a well-reviewed film which did not do well at the box office if we feel that the fault lay in the marketing of the film, and that the film might have been a hit if people had known about it. (Like, for example, The Waterdance.)
C+ means it has no crossover appeal, but will be considered excellent by people who enjoy this kind of movie. If this is your kind of movie, a C+ and an A are indistinguishable to you.
C means it is competent, but uninspired genre fare. People who like this kind of movie will think it satisfactory. Others probably will not.
C- indicates that it we found it to be a poor movie, but genre addicts find it watchable. Any film rated C- or better is recommended for fans of that type of film, but films with this rating should be approached with caution by mainstream audiences, who may find them incompetent or repulsive or both. If this is NOT your kind of movie, a C- and an E are indistinguishable to you.
D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. We don't score films below C- that often, because we like movies and we think that most of them have at least a solid niche audience. Now that you know that, you should have serious reservations about any movie below C-. Films rated below C- generally have both bad reviews and poor popular acceptance.
E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre.
F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, Tuna says, "This is a clear C+. If you like teen sex comedies, you will love this particular one. If you don't, go rewatch Citizen Freaking Kane and leave me alone." Scoop says, "Actually, I very much like teen sex comedies. I like all the other ones Tuna mentioned, and I love some of them, but I find this one just barely watchable, and all its humor is right out of the stock joke file. C-"