Queen of the Damned (2000) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

The damned still have a queen, in the 20th century? No wonder they are always living in the past. Those pasty-faced mofos need to get themselves a taste of democracy.

By the way, Maxwell House Coffee may be good to the last drop, but that will not make it the preferred coffee of vampires.

That wacky Vampire Lestat is back again as one of their head honchos. The last time he showed up, Tom Cruise played him in Interview with a Vampire. Many of you may have noticed in the past that Tom Cruise has a whiny voice. Many people have even inferred from his voice and mannerisms that that he is gay, although there is no evidence to support that contention. Let me say this. After you see the actor who plays Lestat in Queen of the Damned, you will no longer question Cruise's machismo. You'll think Tom Cruise's interpretation is more macho than Vin Diesel and Bob Mitchum rolled together. This sumbich new Lestat doesn't glide, like other vamps, he sashays. You'll expect him to say "fiddle-de-dee" like Scarlett O'Hara. When you first see him, you think he might be a Cher impersonator, until you realize that this guy is much prettier, and Cher is much more masculine.

Not to mention more genuine.

Like Cher, Lestat has come back as a rock star older than time. Of course, he's a harder rocker than Cher, but the younger generation always goes for the heavy metal sound, and he's only a few thousand years old. When he gets to be Cher's age, he'll mellow into show tunes.

This movie derives its character from the school of filmmaking which says you should create a high-style look, ala Art Nouveau swathed in a wrapping of Gothic, then move the camera around very fast while the cast impersonates what Blanche DuBois might have been like if she had lived long enough to join the Gene Simmons fan club.

Do you remember the cheese shop with no cheese? How about a vampire movie with no wild violence, sex, or horror? It takes itself seriously, as if style and attitude were the only requirements for entertainment. The best review from the British papers was 2/10 - less than one star!

There were rumors that the studio was going to shelve this film. I don't know what the original plan was, but when Aaliyah died, they resurrected it, and it drew a respectable $30 million in domestic gross.