Rod Steele 0014: You Only Live Until You Die

Rod Steele 0014: You Only Live Until You Die (2002) was actually filmed in 1996 by director Rolfe Kanefsky, and is the best comedy send-up so far of the Bond films. It is one of a series of six films based on the Milo Manera comic series "Click." The title click refers to an invention that looks like a TV remote control, but instantly aroused anyone it is aimed at.

The film opens with Steele completing a case in usual Bond fashion. We see a swimming pool with a crime boss sitting on the edge talking on a cell phone, and Stacy Leigh Mobley swimming in a skimpy bikini. As he is talking, she gets out of the pool and sits on a lounge chair. The crook is giving orders to his underlings, such as sell dope to age 5 and older, but stop the white slavery for anyone who hasn't reached puberty. Guns are fine for any age, no discrimination. A rubber ducky with an antenna floats up to him. He picks it up, reads a message, and it explodes. Steele emerges from the pool in a tux, and Mobley is excited. She has always wanted to have hot sex with a secret agent. She takes off her top and begins to masturbate, but his watch phone rings. It is P, giving him his next assignment, and telling him to come to the office immediately. Mobley finishes herself off as he hangs up. Cut to opening credits.

We see naked women in silhouette cavorting around the screen, and Steele doing jumping jacks, while a Shirley Bassey voice (Elizabeth Danko) sings the theme song.

Protect Your Giraffe from Rod Steele

Rod Steele is his name
And death is his game
He'll Kill and he'll maim
With a laugh
And after a laugh
He'll kill your giraffe
He's Steel through and through
You will find
He's lost his mind

Rod Steele will not run
He's just too damned dumb
He'll stand up and fight if he can
He's drunk as a skunk
A big manly hunk
The clicker will conquer the world

Rod Steele is a man
His own biggest fan
He likes love and death
But don't dare smell his breath
And his brain's in his gun
When he does it for fun
So protect your giraffe from Rod Steele

Rod Steele
Rod Steele
Rod Steele

Steele drives up to a facade, opens the front door complimenting P on the great facade, and walks into a parking lot. P explains that they have had massive budget cuts, and could only afford the facade. He gives Steele some gadgets including tennis shoes (they make your feet comfortable and are handy if you have to run), a fountain pen that squirts ink, a toothbrush, and a black box that is a combo eavesdropping device and dart stun gun. Steele leaves with the comment that everyone needs a good P.

Miss Pennyworth (Delphine Pacific) drives him to the airport to grab his coach seat because the agency will no longer pay for parking, so she must drive the car back to the company. In the airport bar, Steele orders a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred, with lemon and an olive on a wooden toothpick from a specific oriental company. The bartender informs him that he doesn't think their toothpicks are from the orient, so Steele says he will just have his lemon on the side. At another table is the inventor of the click device. Steele insults Pennyworth, saying that he is sure she is a lousy lay. The waiter delivers the drink, Steele knocks it out of his hand, and the click device gets wet. Steel heads for the restroom, and the device actives, turning Pennyworth into a sex maniac. She strips, jumps onto the bar, pours vodka all over herself, and says "this drink is on me." She and the bartender do the wild thing right on the bar. When Steele and the click guy go through the metal detector, they end up with each other's click devices.

Rod Steele boarded a plane for Prague, so he could discover and foil the evil plans of Tangerina, and find out what happened to agent 0013. His first stop is a house of ill repute run by Michelle Bauer, who reports that Tangerina has stolen all of her girls. Then Sita Thompson shows up in a trance and tries to kill Bauer. Steele stops her, and she is coerced into servicing a customer. Steele stays outside the door to listen in with his clicker, but it, of course, is the wrong one, and doesn't do what he expected it to.

NUDITY REPORT

Michelle Bauer is seen in lingerie. Delphine Pacific, Stacy Mobley, Jacqueline Lovell, Gabriella Hall, Kira Reed, Tammie Fallon and De'Ann Power show breasts and buns. Sita Thompson shows all three Bs.

DVD info from Amazon

Full screen only (the film was originally made in a widescreen version), but the DVD includes a commentary with the director, the editor, and two cast members. There is also a section of bloopers, auditions, rehearsals and cut scenes, and a mockumentary behind the scenes short.

The plot moves to Monte Carlo, as we discover the exact nature of the fiendish plan to rule the world. Tangerina brainwashes prostitutes to collect the sperm of famous people, which she will then use to clone and replace them, thus controlling the entire world. Among her minions are Aeriola (Gabriella Hall), Pussy L'Amour (Jacqueline Lovell) and Sheila Vale. We also see two phone operators under the spell of the clicker, Tammie Fallon and Kira Reed. Tangerina is played by De'Ann Power. Some of the highlights include a dual between two men with vibrators, an orgy (with several naked women), and the combining of Pussy L'Amour and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the cloning machine to make a muscle-bound woman.

The Critics Vote

The only review available is Joe Bob's. But then, what else do you need?

The People Vote ...

IMDB summary. IMDb voters score it 4.9/10

The meaning of the IMDb score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics, or a C- from our system. Films rated below five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one and a half stars from the critics or a D on our scale. (Possibly even less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. (C+ means it has no crossover appeal, but will be considered excellent by genre fans, while C- indicates that it we found it to be a poor movie although genre addicts find it watchable). D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well. Any film rated C- or better is recommended for fans of that type of film. Any film rated B- or better is recommended for just about anyone. We don't score films below C- that often, because we like movies and we think that most of them have at least a solid niche audience. Now that you know that, you should have serious reservations about any movie below C-.

If we consult the highest authority on this type of film, Joe Bob Briggs, it is the best Bond parody of all time. He awards a full four stars out of four. This is a C+++. If you like parody and nudity, this is a must see. If you dislike both, stay away.