Skyscraper (1995) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

If Thomas Edison, the father of motion picture technology, could come back to us in 2001 and evaluate the proudest moment of his baby's first full century, he would have a difficult choice. Would he pick a compelling instance of live reporting, like Jack Ruby's murder of Oswald or man's first steps on the moon? Would he choose a timeless cultural treasure like Tarkovsky's Andrei Rublev or Ken Burns' Civil War series? Would he choose a top-notch entertainment picture like The Wizard of Oz or Singin' in the Rain? An artistic triumph like Grand Illusion? 
I think when all was said and done, he'd have to brush those away as minor achievements, and cast his vote for Anna Nicole Smith's performance as chopper pilot Carrie Wisk in Skyscraper. 

Unless, of course, he had time to screen Shakes the Clown. 


Anna Nicole Smith got naked in two sex scenes, one rape scene, and one shower. No pubes are seen, and only sidelong butt shots. This is a breast man's film.
Actually, this movie is a grade-z Die Hard rip off, with ANS as Bruce Willis. It seems to be filmed on home video tape, with the kind of simple credits you can add on your home VCR. It has the same look and feel as a typical 70's cop show, except the acting is much worse, mostly thanks to you-know-who. The rest of the cast isn't that impressive either. It isn't enough that they have the accents all wrong, but they keep changing them from scene to scene. The serious scenes are comical and the comic relief is just plain surreal. For example, there is a would-be cop named Dudley "Do" Wright, who keeps impersonating Dirty Harry and twirling his guns. Good stuff.

I, for one, will rest easier tonight, knowing that whenever Fabio lookalikes with fabulous hair and fake German accents terrorize the skyscrapers on these shores, they are no match for good old-fashioned American counter-terrorism techniques, like large breasts, and crawling through ducts, and large breasts.

DVD info from Amazon.

  • no widescreen

  • no features

  • but there is another ANS movie on the same disk

Anna appears to be reading her lines off cue cards, and she makes discernible and inappropriate pauses when they flip the cards, like athletes reading PSA's. For example:

excuse me for believing in .......

walks in the park 

You might get a kick out of it when one of the bad guy recites a poetic monologue, and ANS immediately identifies the speaker as Shakespeare's Henry IV

The Critics Vote

  • Regrettably, Roger Ebert and Pauline Kael never wrote essays on this film, and James Agee died before he had a chance! 

The People Vote ...

  • With their votes ... IMDB summary: IMDb voters score it an impressive 2.2 out of 10, tied for 83rd worst of all time. It's scary when you think that there are 82 worse films. The best aspect of the IMDb stats is that women 30-44 (which would include Anna, I suppose) rate it a perfect 1.0! (Zeroes are not permitted)
IMDb guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence, about like three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, about like two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, about like two stars from the critics. Films under five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film, equivalent to about one and a half stars from the critics or less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.

My own guideline: A means the movie is so good it will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not good enough to win you over if you hate the genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an open mind about this type of film. C means it will only appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if you love the genre. F means that the film is not only unappealing across-the-board, but technically inept as well.

Based on this description, this film is an E. The images are clear and viewable, so no F.

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