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Slumber Party Massacre II (1987) from Brainscan |
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There is a strategy to several movies I've looked at
recently. It goes like this: "If you can't try to be good, try to be
funny." Put another way, if a lack of talent, the genetic absence of
creativity gets in your way, pretend it's all about the yuks and
maybe you can fool some folks.
Which brings me to Slumber Party Massacre II (1987). Girls get together, guys follow, a demonic killer with a drill at the end of his electric guitar (?!) kills them. Most of them, at least. Maybe all of them. Every convention of splatter/horror films is obeyed in this mess. She who wrote and directed it (Deborah Brock) has apparently had not one original thought in her head ... ever. Remember what Johnny Carson said about Chevy Chase? That he couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked bean dinner? Well, Ms. Brock wouldn't have thought of farting until five other people did it first. Even the attempt to disguise the terminal lack of quality with a wink and a nod wasn't new by 1987. And so the good folks down at IMDb give it a rousing 2.8/10. Think for a minute. If someone described a potential date as not even a 3, and it was the considered judgment of over 250 people, would you go out with her? A quick word about home repairs ... it may be relevant. Ever tried to drill something that was not tacked down tightly or held in place securely? Couldn't do it, could you? Mofo kept slipping, didn't it? So what are the odds of a bozo with a drill at the end of his guitar (?!) killing people who, by all impressions, are perfectly motile creatures? Not very high. 'Less, of course, the people sit stock-still and let the driller have at it. There you have the essence of Slumber Party Massacre II. Three women of note in the movie. One gives up the goodies. That would be former US Olympic gymnast Juliette Cummins, in what was the signature performance of her career ... getting naked in a horror movie. Well, topless at least. Rips off her top in a slumber party dance. Very nice. I really like Juliette. Crystal Bernard plays the main character three years before she performed in Wings. It is a wonder, an absolute miracle on a par with Henry V's victory at Agincourt that she ever worked again. In one scene she is rapturously holding the picture of a boy and making sick little goo-goo noises. Now, I know she didn't write the damn scene and I know she didn't direct the damn scene but she did 'act' in it and for that reason alone she should have been banned from stage and screen. Permanently. Honestly, this was a more painful thing to watch than the Luke-Leia bridge scene in Return of the Jedi. Even more painful than any part of Phantom Menace. It was just that bad. Crystal does not get anywhere near nekkid. Some pokies, some cleavage. It wasn't enough to make up for The Scene, but then she could have gotten down on all fours and wiggled her nekkid butt at the camera for fifteen minutes and it would not have made up for The Scene. |
| Kimberly McArthur, former Hefmate who had done one nude scene after another prior to this movie, wears a real nice bikini, does the pokey-pokey, but otherwise keeps the vital parts covered. I'm figuring this was her decision. No more bare hooters. So, bit parts in two TV movies and a short stint on a soap opera later and poof she was gone. As my coach used to say, If'n you're gonna stay at the party you gotta dance with the gal what brung ya. Or, in this case, the twins what brung ya. |
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I am a Juliette Cummins fan. She was cute and she got nekkid. That makes me a fan. But even then, even after she does a first-rate topless dance that I really wouldn't have wanted to miss, I could have gone my whole life without seeing Slumber Party Massacre II and I would have been happier for it. |
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