Submerged (2005) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)

... Bulgaria."

Bulgaria has now shown an acting versatility that would make Alec Guinness envious. You think DeNiro made an impressive physical metamorphosis in Raging Bull? Well, I ask you this: could DeNiro play the part of Uruguay? OK, maybe he could play Paraguay or Bolivia, I'll give you that, but how could Mr. Method Acting Genius fake a coastline?

You will note the incredible attention to detail in Bulgaria's clever  disguise shown to the right.

First of all, it's a neo-classical building with an elaborate bas-relief placed just above ... an obviously tacked-on paper sign.

Second, it is not one paper sign, but two, and you can see they aren't aligned properly! The right side is lower.

Third, it's a "national opera", not a "city opera", and would therefore be the "Opera Nacional de Uruguay." Think about it, if Canada had a National Opera Company headquartered in Ottawa, would the building say National Opera of Canada, or National Opera of Ottawa? Get my drift? Ottawa is not a nation. Neither is Montevideo.

Oh, well. I guess it might have been worse. At least that sign wasn't written in the Cyrillic alphabet, like some of the street signs in "Montevideo."

I suppose it is only right that the most powerful naval vessel should be named after Bill Clinton. After all, he's the one President most closely associated with seamen.

I don't think it should be stationed in the Atlantic, however. It should be permanently moored in Bangkok. And of course, they should never assign female officers to the Clinton, for fear they will go down on it. To be honest, the USS Clinton should really have been a sub. Not only are subs associated with going down, but that would certainly give  new meaning to "raising the periscope" and "blowing the ballast".

In the film, however, the USS Clinton was a carrier that never came to port. It stayed permanently at sea for strategic reasons. When it needed anything, it was simply serviced by the USS Lewinsky.

Submerged could have been entered in The Simpsons' famous Stock Footage Film Festival. Every time they needed an establishing shot of the exterior of the mighty USS Clinton, the director showed stock newsreel footage - and each time it was a different carrier! Sometimes the changes were pretty obvious. First we're looking at a conventional Forrestal-class carrier with a big number 62 painted on it. (Naval records show that to be the now-decommissioned Independence, below left.) Then we're looking at a larger nuclear carrier with a big ol' 65 painted on it. (That would be the Enterprise, below right.) Even a landlubber like me can see that the fokkin' jumbo-ass numbers are different!

I'm sad to say that Submerged represents a backslide for the Weighty Warrior. It isn't as bad as those two Oblowitz films, but it's near the bottom of Seagal's career achievements.

• (6.29) - Executive Decision (1996)
• (6.09) - Under Siege (1992)
• (5.31) - Get Bruce (1999)
• (5.29) - Exit Wounds (2001)
• (5.19) - Above the Law (1988)
• (4.99) - Marked for Death (1990)
• (4.90) - Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)
• (4.89) - Out for Justice (1991)
• (4.88) - My Giant (1998)
• (4.79) - The Glimmer Man (1996)
• (4.79) - Hard to Kill (1990)
• (4.31) - Belly of the Beast (2003)
• (4.30) - Clementine (2004)
• (4.30) - Fire Down Below (1997)
• (4.04) - Into the Sun (2005)
• (4.01) - The Patriot (1998/I)
• (3.91) - Half Past Dead (2002)
• (3.78) - Out of Reach (2004)
• (3.60) - Submerged (2005)
• (3.51) - On Deadly Ground (1994)
• (3.34) - Ticker (2001)
• (3.17) - The Foreigner (2003)
• (3.08) - Out for a Kill (2003)

And being near the bottom of Seagal's filmography is ... well, this isn't some picky guy like Edward Norton or John Casale we're talking about here, this is Seagal. Even his best film of the present century is only rated 5.29, and that's not for lack of trying because he makes two per year. The overall standard notwithstanding, Seagal's best films, and even his mediocre films like Belly of the Beast, are fun for his fans, and there must still be plenty of those because the man keeps working.

Frankly, Seagal can't be blamed for the quality of this movie. It is just a bad project in general, and it is not tailored for the Chinless Commando in any way. The Conquering Chowhound plays the generic leader of a bunch of generic bad-ass mercenaries. The role doesn't call for any martial arts expertise; doesn't take place in Asia; doesn't even make use of any of Seagal's interest in Asian cultures - not one fokkin' ceremonial sword in the entire film. The story is supposed to take place in Uruguay although, as we've already noted, the role of Uruguay is played by Bulgaria. When the action is not in Uruguay/Bulgaria, it is on a submarine which, given Seagal's girth, is not the ideal locale for action scenes involving the Full-Figured Fighter. I imagine they had to enlarge the opening just to get him in there. The premise of the film involves mind-control, ala The Manchurian Candidate. An evil doctor has devised a method to trigger post-brainwashing suggestions through radio waves generated through his hand-held computer and transmitted by satellite. Using his evil iPod, he exercises mind control over various human puppets. The Uruguayan government wants this power. The Uruguayan rebels want this power. Uruguayan corporations want this power. Amazingly, however, nobody outside of Uruguay wants this power, not even from across the bay in Buenos Aires. I guess his evil iPod only works within the range of his wi-fi provider in Sofia - er, I mean Montevideo.

Anyway the movie is grade-Z crap, and almost completely without life. Seagal has never exactly been Samuel L Jackson in the flamboyance  department to begin with, but here he mumbles all of his lines more quietly than ever, and his laid-back style is matched by several others in the film. Even the evil scientist is more pragmatic than sinister. The film would be almost totally devoid of flair except for the presence of Vinnie Jones, who plays Seagal's second-in-commando with his usual working class tough guy panache.