by Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)


Teeth is a horror/comedy film about the ancient myth of vagina dentata, which would be a coochie with razor-sharp teeth that destroy anything which attempts to pass through. The story is not related with the tone of either a comedy or a horror film, but rather with the charm of a sensitive, offbeat coming-of-age film. What would a girl's life be like if the worst thing about puberty were not her first period, but rather how to control the teeth within her genitals? That may be a far-fetched premise, but the writer/director followed it through its natural course to its logical conclusion.

Dawn is a sweet, sincere girl, an honor student and one of those "vow of abstinence" types. She forms her first crush on a nice boy, they go for a swim, things progress nicely and they make out quite modestly - until she wants to stop and he doesn't. Soon his dick is underwater, being eaten by the crabs. Not much later, so is he.

Dawn can't quite figure out what's going on, so she goes to a gynecologist. The medico is kind of a sleazebag, and it's not long before he's missing several fingers. At that point Dawn figures that any penetration into her genitalia will result in disaster, but it turns out that the teeth only appear during unwelcome penetration. She warms to another boy, and when the mood turns to romance, she warns him that he may not survive, or at least his dick may not. Teenage boys being what they are, he's willing to take that risk, and Dawn is surprised when they have tooth-free sex. She concludes that the teeth only come out when she's not co-operating fully. Her theory is confirmed when she goes another round with the same guy.  During the second copulation he takes a phone call which shows that he won bet with his best friend about whether he could get into Dawn's drawers. This news is not received well by Dawn nor by her shark-like coochie, which instantly claims another victim.

Dawn finally comes to the conclusion that she can use her mutation as a gift rather than a curse. Maybe "gift" isn't exactly the right word here. "Weapon" might be more like it. At that point the tone shifts. The film stops being a sensitive coming-of-age film about a naive girl and jumps directly into genre territory, but we don't really object when Dawn gets nasty because the nastiness is brief and the victims get what they deserve.

I like this odd, sometimes almost surreal little film. Some good production design gives it kind of a Doug-Sirk-on-acid look, and that combines with a truly odd sense of humor to make this a very watchable, albeit eccentric movie. Imagine a cross between Napoleon Dynamite and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Except weirder.


* widescreen anamorphic








3 James Berardinelli (of 4 stars)
81 Rotten Tomatoes  (% positive)
57 Metacritic.com (of 100)


6.6 IMDB summary (of 10)
C+ Yahoo Movies


Box Office Mojo. It was never in more than 16 theaters, but it hung around for months and ended up grossing about $350,000.



  • Jess Weixler - breasts
  • Hale Appleman and several other locker room guys: buns.

Our Grade:

If you are not familiar with our grading system, you need to read the explanation, because the grading is not linear. For example, by our definition, a C is solid and a C+ is a VERY good movie. There are very few Bs and As. Based on our descriptive system, this film is a: