Unfaithfully Yours (1984) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski) and Tuna

1) Unfaithfully Yours stars Dudley Moore as a composer/conductor. The script will mine this rich vein to:

a. Reveal the deep layers of humor within the world of classical music.

b. Give Dudley Moore a chance to act drunk.

2) In the course of the film, Dudley Moore will find himself:

a. Struggling with the mysteries of life, especially his ubiquitous sense of mortality.

b. Making a fool of himself because he's in love with a younger, taller, soberer woman.

 3) Dudley speaks no Italian. He tells his Italian butler/chef to keep an eye on his young wife (Nastassia Kinski). The butler:

a. Bravely sacrifices one of his own legs to rescue Kinski from some street thugs.

b. Misunderstands Dudley and hires a private eye to follow Kinski.

4) Kinski is completely in love with Dudley, and is not cheating on him, but the private eye finds ...

a. A link between Iran and the Contras

b. A preposterous coincidence that makes it seem as if Kinski is cheating with Dudley's womanizing best friend (Armand Assante)

5) Confronted with his wife's seeming infidelity, Dudley ...

a. Maturely confronts her with what he knows, whereupon she clears up the misunderstanding and forgives him for doubting her.

b. Goes to his friend's house, where - by another preposterous coincidence - he finds an unusual broach exactly like one his wife owns.

c. Acts really drunk

d. Both b and c

6) When Dudley finds the apparent proof that his friend is fucking his wife, Dudley and Assante

a) Fight a duel in which they both die tragically, thus leaving the beautiful young wife free to marry the simple, heroic, peg-legged chef who saved her life.

b) Have a conversation in which Assante is talking about some other woman in a lusty and cavalier manner, but Dudley assumes that the women being discussed is his wife.

c) Both get really drunk.

d) Both b and c.

7) Dudley gets so frustrated by the situation that he

a) Divorces Kinski, immerses himself in his work, and creates a symphony more powerful than Beethoven's 9th.

b) Fantasizes about killing Kinski and framing Assante for the murder.

c) Gets really drunk

d) Both b and c.

8) As the actual murder is unfolding, Dudley

a) Succeeds, condemning Assante to the electric chair

b) Moves too slowly and clumsily because he is really drunk. He is stopped at the last minute when, through a preposterous coincidence, the private detective uncovers some missing evidence and, through another preposterous coincidence, is able to tell Dudley about the new facts just in time to prevent mayhem.

9) When the mix-up is revealed, Dudley

a) Can not bear his shame, and moves to a monastery, where his inner torment and deep contrition produce some of the greatest Gregorian chant ever written.

b) Begs for forgiveness, but is initially too drunk to express himself well. After some cartoony stumbling and slurring, however, he manages to get forgiven.

 

Analysis of your answers:

If you answered any a's at all, you are reading the wrong page. You are looking for The Family Circus online. If you answered a to question six, you have seen too many Vittorio DeSica movies.

With a gender reversal, this desperate-for-a-laugh film might make a good thirty minute episode of I Love Lucy.

• Kinski = Ricky
• Dudley = Lucy
• Assante = guest star Ava Gardner. Lucy thinks Ricky is in love with her.
• Albert Brooks and Cassie Yates = Fred and Ethel Mertz

OK, maybe not a GOOD episode.

In a way you have to respect a movie which not only features Dudley Moore acting drunk, but also Armand Assante impersonating a drunken Dudley Moore. It is a shame that Dudley died before CGI became so sophisticated, because I would like to see a movie in which a drunken Dudley Moore plays every character, except for a cameo by Foster Brooks. Unfortunately, the presence of a Double Dud did not confer any entertainment value upon this particular movie. Unfaithfully Yours is just about unwatchable except for some funny Fred Mertz work from Albert Brooks. As much as I like Albert, his inestimable comic presence in a small role is nowhere near enough to salvage this wreck, which manages to clear even the Olympic-class hurdle for lameness normally set by Dudley Moore. In fact, you'll find a picture of Dudley when you look up "lame" in the dictionary.

It is impossible to explain to a younger generation why we oldsters used to think Dudley Moore was funny. I can remember thinking he was kinda OK, but I can't remember why. I guess he was just part of the zeitgeist; "in the moment." That moment has certainly passed, and it is embarrassing to think that I used to laugh at this guy, so don't ask me to explain it. Please extend the courtesy of some understanding, knowing that some day you'll have to explain David Spade to your own grandchildren.