Vampz (2004) from Brainscan

 "A police detective with a violent temper has two major problems: His wife is cheating on him, and he has no leads in a series of gory local slayings. The two troubles become one when, after a particularly nasty confrontation, his wife leaves home and unknowingly resides with the killers: a trio of sexy vampires posing as masseuses."

--- summary written by the writer/director ---

Vampz started off with some promise. And when I say start, I mean the very moment it came in the mail. From that point on, it was all downhill. Imagine the concept. I did. two previous movies were made with Vamp in the title, both with lots of nekkid babes - the second way more than the first - so I am figuring there was some sort of trend. The concept ... what might have made this a special little movie ... is the urban slant to the story. I was figuring on beautiful gals, most of them black, all of them nekkid. We get two outta three. Beautiful gals, including former Hefmate Serria Tawan, who was taking time away from her amateur video productions, and a real babe by the name of Emayatzy Corinealdi. They and all the other gals are both black and gorgenous. But not a one gets nekkid. Even though the setting for the most of the movie is supposed to be a brothel and even though no one in this cast was in any position to negotiate a no-nudity clause, the gals stayed dressed.  Even when they are supposed to be humping they and the johns remain clothed. WTF? What manner of strumpet remains ensheathed in garments whilst practicing the adult arts? The closest anyone gets to major goodies is an accidental nip-slip by Serria, a few views of her thong-clad killer rumpus and some pokies by Emayatzy. That's it. A new low in vampire hooker movies when only acres of flesh would have elevated this thing above levels seen only in Presidential approval ratings. 

What Vampz subsitutes for skin is blood and guts. As was the case in previous Vamp movies, the gals are vampires. But not your tidy, puncture the jugular and drink hearty kind. No siree, we have the kind who rip open a guy and feast on his entrails. So we got gore.  Lots of gore. And we have some extraordinarily weak attempts at humor...the kind your drunk redneck of a brother-in-law launches into after his fifteenth beer. Stupid shit. So I'm saying the script sucked ass? Yep. And the directing, Brain, how was it? Well, when it was evident that anyone was directing this green sputum of a movie, the intention seemed to be to destroy any sense of pacing or drama. Producer must have been crazy to hire these guys, right? Well, even crazier than you might think because the producer, the director and the writer were the same guy. I have forgotten his name. Blessed gift, this senility.

Of all the messes this movie made on the carpet of my psyche, there is one that still bemuses me. Not in befuddle or confuse in a vexing manner. Very first scene has a nice-looking vampire hunt, screw and eat this guy off the streets of LA. Fine. She is a beautiful woman who starts off the whole she-bang by keeping on her clothes. Long story but she is supposed to get burned by sunlight because she stayed out too late...or early, depending on your point of view. Okay. That's fine. Didn't know who she was ... but certainly not Serria Tawan because I know her face and body pretty well. Very next scene, however, has the queen vamp (played by Tawanna Browne) discovering that the unter-vamp has been naughty by hunting alone and got burned for her efforts. What's the problem? NOW the burned vampire is played by Serria. Somewhere between scene 1 and scene 2, Serria took over the part of the hungry/horny vampire. Again, WTF?  That original actress appears nowhere else in the movie. So, what happened to her? And why not re-shoot the frist scene with Serria doing the honors? By the looks of it, mighta taken ten minutes to shoot on the initial attempt. And so it goes, less dramatically for the whole movie. Guys thrown backward land face-first. All-powerful, quick-as-lightening vampires forget how to run when faced with a cross. Some German guy shows up and annoys the living crap out of everyone. And the lead actor has the same look on his face when he is getting screwed or discovers his wife getting screwed or gets behind the wheel of his Honda Accord and pulls away from the curb. Bottom line is I am bemused ... but very, very unamused that I wasted $12 and 90 minutes on this meal fit only for a dung beetle. 




None to speak of. See the main commentary

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The meaning of the IMDb score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars from the critics. The fives are generally not worthwhile unless they are really your kind of material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics. Films rated below five are generally awful even if you like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one and a half stars from the critics. (Possibly even less, depending on just how far below five the rating is.)

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